Southern Peaches

[ajcohen613]

This is my first post. Very little knowledge about the mechanics,structure of poems. Any comments/suggestions would be helpful.




There‘s a silence to her words,
yet they capture his attention.
He imagines the sweetness of her voice,
sure to bring him comfort.
But his comfort quickly turns into intoxication.

His eyes now upon her beauty.
The fullness of her lips,
her skin, a sweet, caramel color.
He traces her neckline with his eyes,
his heart beats heavily with his every thought.
His body paralyzed with admiration,
as he looks at her breasts.
He bites his lips, and slowly exhales.
Mind and body now exhausted with fascination.
Though he tries, he can’t look away.
He tries to keep his mind from going ahead of him,
but he fails.

His thoughts now on the music that their bodies will create.
The rhythm, slow and in sync.
Bodies in melodic harmony,
together orchestrating a symphony of pleasure.
Her caramel skin, sensuous and pleasing.
Its taste, sweet as southern peaches.
The delicacy of her neck nourishes his hunger,
but only for a moment…….

Hey there,

Great effort! Really steamy stuff towards the middle and last stanza. There are some areas where I feel as if you tried to overly poeticize the language (i.e. it sounds a little played out/ less personable) IMO. Also for the lines "There‘s a silence to her words, /yet they capture his attention." I feel as if you could've made it clear that his attention was captured without plain saying it. Hope this helps.