06-08-2014, 04:57 AM
Are dead rappers fallen poets?
This line seems ambiguous "Solemnly slain soldiers" where the soldiers slain solemnly (I'm not sure that has much meaning), or where the soldiers solemn when they were slain, or where the persons who killed them solemn when they killed them?
The allusion to Compton and Bed-stuy seems a bit obscure to me, but I guess I understand it, if not for the specifics. The line is awkward, maybe change to:
Bed-Stuy and Compton bled
becoming bicoastal battlegrounds.
If the way you have it is meant as some kind of enjambment, I don't think it works.
This does remind me of some of Springsteen's earlier work, especially "Greeting form Asbury Park" A kind of a street anthem like "Jungleland" off of the "Born to Run" album.
Shouldn't it be "Thugz Mansion" instead of "thugs mansion" if this is a reference to the 2Pac song?
Seemed filled with rap references, "Big Poppa" a song by Notorious B.I.G., and "Dear Mama" another 2Pac song. So if you don't know rap, this all becomes very obscure.
Should that be "street disciples" rather than "streets (plural) disciples"?
Like rap, this is mostly held together by repetitious simple rhyme. "died", "lied", "lies", or "stars", "bars", "cars".
This last sentence seems the most poetic to me:
"My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion."
Although it should probably read "from every corner of thugs mansion" or "in every corner of thugs mansion".
Dale
This line seems ambiguous "Solemnly slain soldiers" where the soldiers slain solemnly (I'm not sure that has much meaning), or where the soldiers solemn when they were slain, or where the persons who killed them solemn when they killed them?
The allusion to Compton and Bed-stuy seems a bit obscure to me, but I guess I understand it, if not for the specifics. The line is awkward, maybe change to:
Bed-Stuy and Compton bled
becoming bicoastal battlegrounds.
If the way you have it is meant as some kind of enjambment, I don't think it works.
This does remind me of some of Springsteen's earlier work, especially "Greeting form Asbury Park" A kind of a street anthem like "Jungleland" off of the "Born to Run" album.
Shouldn't it be "Thugz Mansion" instead of "thugs mansion" if this is a reference to the 2Pac song?
Seemed filled with rap references, "Big Poppa" a song by Notorious B.I.G., and "Dear Mama" another 2Pac song. So if you don't know rap, this all becomes very obscure.
Should that be "street disciples" rather than "streets (plural) disciples"?
Like rap, this is mostly held together by repetitious simple rhyme. "died", "lied", "lies", or "stars", "bars", "cars".
This last sentence seems the most poetic to me:
"My mother wept
and played Billie Holiday
in honor of streets disciples
from every corner
in thugs mansion."
Although it should probably read "from every corner of thugs mansion" or "in every corner of thugs mansion".
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.