It's time to patter songs about the rain (Edit 1 Thanks to all who commented).
#3
(06-05-2014, 05:19 PM)billy Wrote:  that's a pretty bad robo voice, libravox is equally as bad. sounds like someone stuck a finger up her nose, still it's a better reading than i could have done; the poem:
a good effort. i'd check the rhyme scheme, according to milo and others it's usually :

A Villanelle rhymes in the pattern A1 - b - A2, a - b - A1, a - b - A2, a - b - A1, a - b - A2, a - b - A1 - A2 where capital letters indicate a refrain and small letters indicate a rhyme.
but as i said, a good effort

(06-05-2014, 04:33 PM)Brownlie Wrote:  It’s time to patter on about the rain, i like the patter and how its connected to the rain
To browse inside a book that’s old and dead, would [nearly or almost dead] work better with the next line
And seek to pinch some life from off a page.

I hear the gentle drops outside again,
I need to find a reason to get dressed, the two [I's} feel to regimented or too monotonous
It’s time to patter on about the rain. so we have a villi

I’ve never even flailed a wheaten grain. i can't get this line to work for me no matter how hard i try
But I’ll write my pen’s a tool to thresh, needs a comma after write
And seek to pinch some life from off a page. small changes in punctuation would make the refrain stronger as it would be read differently each time.

They say to speak a truth and write more plain.
While “Hey Ho’s” spin inside and tell my head,
It’s time to patter on about the rain.

The glutted droppings circle down the Drain.
I’ll add a line about a fatal thread,
And seek to pinch some life from off a page.

I hear the constant ticking hands arranged,
To tell me when to wake or sleep and said,
It’s time to patter on about the rain,
And seek to pinch some life from off a page. good finish. that works well for me in setting an ambiance of the poet.
Nearly is a great suggestion. I used near rhymes to try and fit the scheme, but I'm not sure if they are more effective or not. Some other good suggestions too, thanks for commenting.
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Messages In This Thread
RE: It's time to patter on - by billy - 06-05-2014, 05:19 PM
RE: It's time to patter on - by Brownlie - 06-05-2014, 05:25 PM
RE: It's time to patter on - by just mercedes - 06-06-2014, 06:25 AM
RE: It's time to patter on - by Brownlie - 06-06-2014, 07:01 AM



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