Half Empty

[ellajam]

Longing carries with it the aspect of "hope"

I respectfully disagree. I long for things I have no hope of ever having, for things that are impossible to have, yet I long for them with all my heart. The fact that I can't have them would throw me into despair if I had the time for that.

For me, you've justified shattered, but not scattered.

[Erthona]

"For me, you've justified shattered, but not scattered."

Well, as I've said, I am not fond of either. Maybe I'll use "broken soul". "despair" is the stage in between longing and acceptance. If one longs for something, then on some level there is hope that longing will be fulfilled, when one realizes that there is no chance of that (when all hope is gone) one falls into despair. Of course as I've said one swings back and forth between these two states. It is a state of irresolution. I mean all of this within the confines of the grief process. Disbelief is also a part of longing. When people speak of "closure", as in the case of a loved one who is missing, but not prove dead, the person will continue in a state of longing because there is the possibility that the person is not dead, thus they are hopeful.
would you like it better if I wrote ..."between hope and despair"? But then again you don't like "crucified". However I don't see how that is less accurate than "torn".


Dale

[ellajam]

"For me, you've justified shattered, but not scattered."

Well, as I've said, I am not fond of either. Maybe I'll use "broken soul". "despair" is the stage in between longing and acceptance. If one longs for something, then on some level there is hope that longing will be fulfilled, when one realizes that there is no chance of that (when all hope is gone) one falls into despair. Of course as I've said one swings back and forth between these two states. It is a state of irresolution. I mean all of this within the confines of the grief process. Disbelief is also a part of longing. When people speak of "closure", as in the case of a loved one who is missing, but not prove dead, the person will continue in a state of longing because there is the possibility that the person is not dead, thus they are hopeful.
would you like it better if I wrote ..."between hope and despair"? But then again you don't like "crucified". However I don't see how that is less accurate than "torn".


Dale

Hey, Dale, I'm the one that had no problem with crucified, it was between that sounded off to me. No need to continue swapping definitions of longing, I understand your definition and it's your poem.

You described the distressed soul pretty well in your explanation, maybe you can bring something from there into your last line.

[abu nuwas]

Half Empty

I find myself putting away
these things that once were yours
because they remind me of you; then
I find I have brought them out again
because they remind me of you.
Opposites flowing from the same wellspring;
I am crucified between longing and despair.
I hold and caress your old photos & letters,
and smooth a cutting of your soft hair.
All more precious to me than gold,
for nothing more of you will be mined.
If scarcity sets the value of a thing,
I am the owner of a great treasure house,
yet, of you I have only these things.
A beggar’s portion left to hold
the shattered, scattered, pieces of my soul.


–Erthona


©2010-2014

In the quiet world of Abu Barthes' critique, this could be faulted a great deal for unnecessary words, or expected, if not hackneyed, phrases, most of which have been pointed out. Or, it might be re-punctuated, with no obvious loss, but with a nod to English grammar. I am not so interested in those things, however. I read it several times, and began by thinking it v trite indeed.

As I carried on, however, I came to read and appreciate the understated rhythms. I did not see it as formal --on the contrary, rather conversational. I put it in the class of 'nearly give it the whole works'. The whole works is where people manage, somehow, to utilise rich vocabulary, and deal with the great themes, love, loss, revenge, fear and so on, and get away with it. 'Nearly' is not a pejorative: it merely describes, to me, a poem which does not go the whole hog, but takes risks of that kind., to a lesser degree.

Now -- the last lines. I decided to re-write a bit:

A beggar's tray-full of tangible traces
A petty portion which must hold
Sharp and shattered splinters
The scattered segments of my soul.

And -- I think that 'mining' people and feelings is part of another poem, but by all means, feel free to 'mine' from the rich seam of my suggestions.

OR -leave the bleeding thing be.....

(There was just a whiff of inversion in there you know....it will do you good to find it for yourself, as teachers used to say )

[Erthona]

Thanks Ed, I'll get right on that inversion

Actually I never said inversion should not be used, just only to be, or not 2B, used by great poets

"The scattered segments of my soul." Good thing it wasn't "segment", but it is a guy talking.

Seriously though, thanks for giving it a look see. Always appreciate your input.

Dale

---

ella said: "No need to continue swapping definitions of longing, I understand your definition and it's your poem."

No that's not it, I was just sort of thinking out loud. Seriously I am now leaning towards using "hope" instead of "longing". It is more clear although it loses some of the connotations of "longing". As the passage seems to give so many of those who have commented problems, I think I need to come down on the side of clarity, although I still fail to see why it is such a problem. If I said "crucified between heaven and hell", most would probably not be bothered. Heaven being hope, and hell being despair. In my mind it is the tug of war between these two emotional states that creates a scenario similar to being crucified. Sure I cold say he was torn between hope and despair, but to me that makes less sense. Well, I will work on it, although I really like the line. Anyway, thanks for the input.

xoxoxo

Dale