We.

[QDeathstar]

I find your edit an improvement, but it has occurred to me, that this really relies on two lines: the first 'legs line' line, and the 'shallow' line. It would not surprise me if the first line was the one which first popped into your head -- but, in truth, does it belong as the first line? As Billy said, there is a sense of anti-climax. I think the 'shallow' line is OK where it is, but I would like to see the first line slip down the batting order, or even come in as the final punch-line. Just thoughts, though.

I could see how that would work, especially if I took tectak's advice about the the my and ourselves phrases. As I said in the beginning though, I like the idea of movement in the poem.

I'll have to consider it.


@tectak

The capatalization is definitely erroneous. Thanks for catching it. Also, shadow/shallow.

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@leane, that would be great.