Eternal Recurrence

[laffitaffi]

One of my recent ones. Any critique is welcome.

I wander to distant lands
to find my soul
from down below.This is cliche and boring. Find a more exciting way to express this. Imagery would definitely help
At times, the journey is gloom.
If only it would end

so very soon. sounds like a forced rhyme. It's cool to keep rhythm, but never sacrifice the quality of content for it (don't use words as filler). This sounds like filler.
Many times, I have trembled,
fallen to a stupor
with my head on the ground. Head on the ground? Sounds superfluous
My tears are really blood,
I'm bleeding sorrow,
I'm at the new low. Bag the angst or find a less "angsty" way to express it.

So many others are just like me, bag "just"
bleeding eternally
from their inner void. this is boring
Then there are those who numb themselves
from the hear of hell
that awaits them.
Others may just be sheep,
eyes open but asleep
throughout their lives.
Eternal Recurrence, why thou betray me?
Why thou betray us all? the random switch of dialect "thou" is inappropriate. Maybe some people can make it work (I have yet to read), but to change dialect for dramatic effect always sounds silly. Avoid it. Also, why are you speaking to the Eternal Recurrence? Also you are talking about others, and then the switch to the more intimate questioning sounds strange.
Why torture us all?

I assume you read Nietzsche. While you surely capture existential "angst", I'm not sure this poem has much to do with the Eternal Recurrence.

Try to use more creative language. Don't sacrifice content for rhyme.

[Todd]

Hi world, welcome to the site!

There's nothing wrong with taking a philosophical idea or construct and building a poem around it. What you have to take care about is making sure that you aren't simply telling the reading things instead of engaging them visually with imagery and making them feel something about the piece.

I think what you've done here is mostly lay out propositional content. It needs imagery and emotive power to be effective. A few line comments below:

One of my recent ones. Any critique is welcome.

I wander to distant lands
to find my soul
from down below.--This reads choppy. Insert a half pause between the line breaks that don't have punctuation and read it out loud. You need a stronger opening line. I would look for the most engaging idea or image and start there.
At times, the journey is gloom.--the journey is gloom feels awkward gloomy is the more normal word. Anything else breaks the reader out of the read. Also, it is again just flat reporting there isn't the condensed power of a good poetic line.
If only it would end
so very soon.--This so very soon sounds odd. You're forcing the speaker of the poem to adopt poor diction
Many times, I have trembled,
fallen to a stupor
with my head on the ground.--again these last few lines are reporting rather than experiencing
My tears are really blood,--really is a qualifier that adds nothing. This is your first real image. Consider developing it more.
I'm bleeding sorrow,--This is abstract. It would be better to show an action that conveys sorrow rather than telling us.
I'm at the new low.--Again telling rather than conveying with an image or an action

So many others are just like me,
bleeding eternally
from their inner void.--this just feels like poetic speak that doesn't say much. It feels overly melodramatic.
Then there are those who numb themselves
from the hear of hell--You probably mean "fear"(typo)
that awaits them.
Others may just be sheep,--second image. Consider looking at the images you used and ask yourself if you re-imagine the poem built more closely around those images.
eyes open but asleep
throughout their lives.
Eternal Recurrence, why thou betray me?
Why thou betray us all?
Why torture us all?--Ending on three questions, adding no new content, and switching to archaic language are all mistakes in my opinion.

You have some options when editing. I think paring it down to the images and trying another approach might be something that could work.

Best,

Todd

[BipolaRed]

You began with mentioning at times your journey was gloom, implying there were other not so gloomy times. Is would be nice to see them appear on this journey.

[shemthepenman]

this has nothing to do with the eternal return. But i would suggest reading Klossowski's the vicious circle. great book.

on the poem. it is all cliche and silly 'thus spake...' references [thous and such, fear and trembling (i mean literally spelled out, without any sense of irony)]. If you want to write a stream of consciousness poem, you really have to be very strict and every word and layer contemplated and considered. This has none of that. It is just too randomly common, as if you have fallen down a hole of thought, and random thought is the most boring and tediously mundane thought of all; because, it is lazy, evidenced in the cliches with the odd 'i smelled a what's all this then fly me... roses are red' in the middle of it all.

If you are going to write a poem referencing the eternal return then make it worth it, make it make Nietzsche think, not bored; or else just post a link to Nietzsche, because this poem neither brings anything new or better to the conversation, either poetically or philosophically.

[olive_morphia]

I like the straightforwardness and simplicity that you use to talk about a heavy concept. See below for some comments. :-)

One of my recent ones. Any critique is welcome.

I wander to distant lands
to find my soul
from down below.
At times, the journey is gloom.
If only it would end
so very soon. --a bit awkward...
Many times, I have trembled,
fallen to a stupor
with my head on the ground.
My tears are really blood,
I'm bleeding sorrow,
I'm at the new low. --This is weak and cliché. You can do better ;-)

So many others are just like me,
bleeding eternally
from their inner void.
Then there are those who numb themselves --does this imply that the others, like you, don't numb themselves? all you say is that you are bleeding eternally, but when you say "then there are those...", it implies that they are somehow different. clarify.
from the hear of hell
that awaits them.
Others may just be sheep,
eyes open but asleep
throughout their lives.
Eternal Recurrence, why thou betray me? --who/what is Eternal Recurrence? I kind of get who/what this is, but you may want to make this more alive or create some kind of visual for the reader.
Why thou betray us all?
Why torture us all?