Me

[Eugene_Moon]

I'm extremely proud of this one Please look at my site if you like this one, there's plenty more

Vanity
Me?
Me?
Heightened sense of security
Me?
Me?
Vanity
Felt through everything
We’re the echoes through eternity
Me?
The fibers snap, snap conduct
Feverishly
Sending to benevolent web
Me?
I was there it was a goddamn tragedy
You remember
That day?
Vanity
Me?
We’re more important than anything
This is the turn of the century
What we do
Echoes through eternity
Me?
Heightened sense of security
Big bro
He knows everything
Me?
We know everything
Anything we find
Quite conveniently
BLIND
Me?
A sarcophagus of time
This happened before in some other land
Before we knew of this
Time
BLIND
Me?
Vanity
Me?
Me?
Heighten sense of security
The fibers they snip snap tap
Feverishly
Conductivity
But we still don’t know ANYTHING
Me?
Vanity?
I was there it was a goddamn tragedy!
Why’d they take the towers away
Did it really happen that day?
To
Me?
Opium Monster
Narcissist Pharisee
Conscripted pet
Atrocity
I was there it was a goddamn tragedy
Why’d they take the towers away?
Must have been vanity…

[Erthona]

Eugene,

Site promotion is frowned upon, so I wouldn't do that in the future.

Your poem uses rhyme well, but there is a lot of repetition that really doesn't do much for it, especially all the "me?".
Welcome to the site.

Dale

[kindofahippy]

Hello Eugene,

I see that you have tried to mirror a sense of chaos or disorder with a haphazard poem structure. Instead, you may consider better structure while the content of the poem relays the sense of disarray. Also, the repetition of "Me?" does little to reinforce the theme of vanity, however a good refrain used sparingly could provide for that.

Basic Meter

[billy]

pride, he cometh before giving feedback elsewhere. please read the rules on feedback /mod

[zmeansy]

Interesting. I like the poem indeed Vanity it is funny to note comes from the latin root Vanus: Empty.
It is such an extreme outward love of one's appearance there is nothing but emptiness on the inside.
Your poem does play on this effect of emptiness, NO?

[Eugene_Moon]

Sorry guys this is my first post, didn't know site promotion is frowned upon. I mean by me just posting....I am promoting myself...right? Lol but anyways I will be more professional next time.

To reply to everyone, I enjoy the constructive criticism. But must say, the repetition of 'Me' is the whole central theme of the poem. Me is standing not only as ones narcissism but also to the Me generation or Millennium Generation. Without that it looses all meaning.

[Wjames]

Obviously the "me?" refrain is the whole theme of the poem, but I find it disrupts the flow of the poem, and makes it difficult to read. Poems like this seem better suited to spoken word, with the readers energy bringing it alive. One concrete suggestion I have would be to change the last line to:

Probably because of...

and let the reader add "me" in their head. That's how I would end it if it were my poem, but it's obviously yours to do with as you'd like.

[JMSelden]

The "Me?" did its job when I was reading, though it could've been used a little more sparingly. That is just my taste, maybe the repetition should've heightened the vanity. I will return to this one.

[RSaba]

The "me" disrupts the flow... just when you're about to actually finish a line and tell us what it really means, there pops up that "me" again. You need to think carefully about how this poem reads, because I found myself tripping over it and struggling to understand exactly what the theme was.

[Martyl]

this is not great
It is what I would call rap poetry.
The us of "me" is a distraction.

[billy]

if people take part in the site through posting their own stuff and giving feedback they can put their site or home page in their sig and it will appear at the bottom of each post.

Sorry guys this is my first post, didn't know site promotion is frowned upon. I mean by me just posting....I am promoting myself...right? Lol but anyways I will be more professional next time.

To reply to everyone, I enjoy the constructive criticism. But must say, the repetition of 'Me' is the whole central theme of the poem. Me is standing not only as ones narcissism but also to the Me generation or Millennium Generation. Without that it looses all meaning.