the 1st lines of each couplet set me up i want to carry on reading but the 2nd lines make me want to stop reading, in this instance, i'm hungry for something more concrete,
how they feel can be discussed in the discussion forum if anyone wants to know. but yes, once the writer has said what it's about how what they say affecting you can be discussed wit the poet and most definitely used as a conduit for dialogue in the hope of help the critic give better feedback which can include suggestions.
what you have written below is exactly what we allow.
(05-24-2014, 10:37 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: The line between the legs which yearns burns and begs, the first line feels quite powerful, it sets in a hook for me to keep on reading.
searching for a soul to devour with unshakeable power. sadly the second line doesn't pay the dividends promised by the first line. this feels very weak and uses too many intangibles in a statement that shows us very little.
The want beyond mere wife yields pain strain and strife, keep an eye on your punctuation
twisting my thought shivering hurried and hot. same here, there seems to be a lack of cohesion due to zero punctuation (apart form the period)
The shallow within our selves which extolls cajoles and contains, again i like this line, it offers the reader something spectacular [extols]
ending empathy discovered in apathy. and doesn't follow through with the promise.
how they feel can be discussed in the discussion forum if anyone wants to know. but yes, once the writer has said what it's about how what they say affecting you can be discussed wit the poet and most definitely used as a conduit for dialogue in the hope of help the critic give better feedback which can include suggestions.
what you have written below is exactly what we allow.
(05-24-2014, 10:49 PM)Isis Wrote: now that I understand where you're coming from and what you're trying to achieve with the poem, we can figure out ways to make the poem better do those things and convey those ideas.