We.

[QDeathstar]

searching for a soul to devour with unshakeable power.

Devour unshakeably? Yeah, that sounds like a well thought out sentence......

Also, not how to use a comma.

Just in general learn how to punctuate becuase this isnt appealing what im writing right now is it no it doesnt really work and isnt poetic at all.

Yearns, burns and begs

Pain, strain, and strife

shivers, hurried, and hot


The shallow within our selves which extolls cajoles and contains,
ending empathy discovered in apathy.

really vague and uncompelling. "The shallow within ourselves"? Yawn.

The internal rhyme seems very forced and unnatural.

Thank you. I agree about the comas. Thanks for pointing that out. My grammar, or spelling isn't great. My reasoning for leaving the commas out was that i wanted it to be read at an exasperated rate, fast, without pause.


However, it's unshakeable power, not devour unshakeable. Perhaps poor grammar made that unclear?