Alternate Ending
#2
(05-22-2014, 06:06 AM)Jambalaya Wrote:  
Alarm bells are ringing, it hears
Input should be moderated
Can't let it out again

Faces are amassing, it sees
Healthiness should be projected
Can't let it show again

Cars are running, it smells
Unhealthiness should be avoided
Can't let it shirk that again

It is in motion, it is deduced
Moving should be encouraged
Can't let it stifle again

The ground is vibrating, it feels
Speculation should be disregarded
Can't let it be fooled again

Large and coming fast, it knows
Fear should be ignored
Can't let it kill me again
Gestalts. Forget the centralising. Try to punctuate. It is cleverer to do it right than to do it wrong. Are you clever enough to punctuate to clarity?
On a general point this reads (deliberately? I do not have enough information) like a series of sub-routines in an old basic computer program. If that was your intention then result...go to bed happy. If not there is much to do. One question at a time. As it is, and for what it gives, I am not impressed...but that doesn't mean I'm hard to please. Fill it out and repost. Don't forget poetry.
Best,
tectak
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Messages In This Thread
Alternate Ending - by Jambalaya - 05-22-2014, 06:06 AM
RE: Alternate Ending - by tectak - 05-22-2014, 06:22 AM
RE: Alternate Ending - by Jambalaya - 05-22-2014, 06:53 AM
RE: Alternate Ending - by ellajam - 05-22-2014, 07:49 AM
RE: Alternate Ending - by Jambalaya - 05-22-2014, 07:57 AM
RE: Alternate Ending - by Erthona - 05-25-2014, 04:41 PM
RE: Alternate Ending - by QDeathstar - 05-26-2014, 04:13 AM



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