hi carousel and welcome to the site.
first off, not sure the centre align adds anything to the poem specially without punctuation...which is the 2nd thing; it great when you can get away with it but caps on all lines can knacker the flow of the read up as every line is seen as a new line. (it's how the brain works.) while i did say you used no punctuation you did use a period after peaks and a comma after come, and camellias which sort of defeats the no punctuation object.
thirdly; thanks for the accreditation.
a couple of lines were a little preachy for me but the poem read well enough
first off, not sure the centre align adds anything to the poem specially without punctuation...which is the 2nd thing; it great when you can get away with it but caps on all lines can knacker the flow of the read up as every line is seen as a new line. (it's how the brain works.) while i did say you used no punctuation you did use a period after peaks and a comma after come, and camellias which sort of defeats the no punctuation object.
thirdly; thanks for the accreditation.
a couple of lines were a little preachy for me but the poem read well enough
(03-21-2014, 10:47 PM)Carousal Wrote: Kipling
The pen pauses
Pervasive memories the opening lines though short work well because we (the reader already have pause for thought)
Intrude, pervasive and intrude are very similar in that pervasive intrudes everywhere. is [intrude] needed?
India calls to favoured ears
Voices in an Edwardian summer
Come, come home i'm reading this as kippers being homesick for india
~
Cloud shadows
Wander the foothills
Hawk Eagles
Circle the late afternoon i get the feel you want to be as frugal as possible...is [the] needed?
Round a ruby sun
Resting cool on the snow peaks.i like the R's and S.s in these two lines
~
Market smells
Bael fruit, pomegranate
Cinnamon and urine
Cries of the barrow pushers
Waltzing pythons here's where a lack of punctuation slows me down too much.
Dance for your pleasure
~
Self mutilated
For the price of life this feels a bit too cheesy
A legless beggar
Offers the proffered bowl
For coin or spit
To your fancy
~
Simla, quietened by moonlight not heard of the place so it was a worthwhile google
Echo strings fade as what is an echo strings?
Victorian maidens, silk and organza
Escape to the gardens
Searching for a lover
Among the camellias, under the stars
~
Retrospective morals
Trample your values
Under heels of lesser men
But listen
Still the dawn comes up like thunder
out of China ‘cros the Bay! kipling is one of my faves, not that i know that many writers or poets
The last two lines are from Kipling’s Mandalay