Orca Strike

[chrisgas]

Second Edit

Piercing eyes are sounding deep
seals in shallow play.
Timing waits a second beat
for a trigger strike in the bay

Slicing through, shearing wide
the swallowed scream of struggle cries.
Schools out, playing time.
Ricochet.

Cold dead eyes now pulling deep
by tail, teeth are no danger.
A spiralled waltz
In a downward meet
no air swallowed, only water.

So now the deathly rise,
immersing seas through mirrored skies.
Splashing spreads
rippling red
and now the leopard's dead.

still not sure of my punctuation etc.
-----------------------------------------

First Edit

Piercing eyes are sounding deep
Seals in shallows play
Timing waits a second beat
Fate strikes the match

Cutting, shearing through clear waters
A swallowed scream cries
Schools out, playing time
Richochet

Eyes now colder
Pulling deep
By tail teeth are no danger
Swallows no air

It now flies
Through mirrored skies
Splash, rippling red
The leopard's dead

_-----------------------------------------

ORIGINAL

I have read a little, so I'm just using this as a sounder, "If that is ok"? I will re edit my others later. Got a good start on my daughter's bedroom!

______________________________


Sounding deep
Shallows to play
Timing waits
Strikes the match

Cutting, shearing
Swallowed scream
Schools out
Ricochet

Piercing eyes
Pulling deep
By tail
Swallows no air

Now flies
Rippling red
Splash
It's dead

[billy]

It reads as very list like and doesn't really give me anything to get into, flesh it out a little or make it more accessible.

[chrisgas]

It reads as very list like and doesn't really give me anything to get into, flesh it out a little or make it more accessible.

Thank you for your comments Billy. I guess there is a bit of room between being too wordy and a list. I was also trying to avoid clichés, playing too safe!! I have put up my first edit .

[ellajam]

Well done, I think your edit is a great improvement. I'm still confused at points.

First Edit

Piercing eyes are sounding deep This line stopped me, but in a good way.
Seals in shallows play
Timing waits a second beat
Fate strikes the match

Cutting, shearing through clear waters Do you need both cutting and shearing? I'm not getting the difference.
A swallowed scream cries . I'm undecided on how a swallowed scream cries. It's cut off?
Schools out, playing time Nice.
Richochet

Eyes now colder
Pulling deep
By tail teeth are no danger OK, here I'm confused. Eyes...tail is the orca, teeth... air is the leopard? Poet, please help me.
Swallows no air

It now flies
Through mirrored skies
Splash, rippling red
The leopard's dead I spent a while trying to figure out what a leopard was doing there before looking up leopard seals. Not your fault.

I think you may want to consider your punctuation. If you need commas, why not periods? I'm also curious as to how you feel capitalizing each line aids this poem. Good work here.

_-----------------------------------------

ORIGINAL

I have read a little, so I'm just using this as a sounder, "If that is ok"? I will re edit my others later. Got a good start on my daughter's bedroom!

______________________________


Sounding deep
Shallows to play
Timing waits
Strikes the match

Cutting, shearing
Swallowed scream
Schools out
Ricochet

Piercing eyes
Pulling deep
By tail
Swallows no air

Now flies
Rippling red
Splash
It's dead

[chrisgas]

Ellajam. Whew! Thank you for your comments.

I was using shearing as in "directional" but yes I can see it needs defining better.
"A swallowed scream cries" I was trying to convey a scream underwater. That yes it is somewhat cut off by its medium.
Eyes now colder, - eyes read orca, which will drag a seal down by its tail flippers to drown it and avoid its sharp teeth.
Punctuation and capitals, I need more work and sort out my editor which is a pain as it auto caps each line. I will re edit in another day or so, again Thanks

[billy]

I'll echo ellajam, try and sort out the punctuation, then start on the poem proper.
The first didn't work well enough for me, I just couldn't make it work.

[ellajam]

Ellajam. Whew! Thank you for your comments.

I was using shearing as in "directional" but yes I can see it needs defining better.
"A swallowed scream cries" I was trying to convey a scream underwater. That yes it is somewhat cut off by its medium.
Eyes now colder, - eyes read orca, which will drag a seal down by its tail flippers to drown it and avoid its sharp teeth.
Punctuation and capitals, I need more work and sort out my editor which is a pain as it auto caps each line. I will re edit in another day or so, again Thanks

Do a search with your program or OS and autocap, there's usually a way to turn it off in at least one of them.

[chrisgas]

Ellajam Thanks, I have sorted the editor but not me, my second edit is up, hopefully better?