Just for a night-- edit 2

[billy]

hi jc

at the moment it's mainly a story,
while stories are good they often need more.

She slams on snooze...this is more the S's are alliteration. use this and other poetic devices like consonance and assonance more widely.
the 1st line

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
A free-fall FedEx bullet smashes
or
A free-fall FedEx bullet parts
noontime clouds...what kind of clouds were they

A free-fall FedEx bullet parts
the grey of noontime clouds...

and so on. (just exmplaes for you to play with.)

go through the poem and see if you can add some more depth while removing some of the weaker words and phrase.
thanks for the read.

edit

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
through noontime clouds
towards her parents’ alfalfa field.
They stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. It hits without screams,
spewing a fountain of red wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude.
She slams on snooze, clinging
to daddy in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from silent glare,
heart still unattacked.

He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.



original
Wednesdays in dreamland her neck cranes
upwards, drops down in time with the plane
crashing into her parents’ alfalfa field.
Tonight it’s orange and purple: FedEx,
smashing through the noontime clouds
bearing gifts of-- morning talk show intrudes
so she slams on snooze, clinging
onto daddy standing in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from burning glare,
heart still unattacked.
He chuckles that the scene smacks
of that dream she always has, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.