Posts: 11
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2014
(11-26-2013, 12:33 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 5
Disposable
Excessive bills conveniently tossed
and winning Lotto tickets rashly lost
will amass with the news of heinous crimes
as our conscience blurs beneath garbage grime.
Pitched teary letters that were coffee stained;
their ink has run, but the harsh words remain.
Those trashed phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
her mislaid thong, the sole Forget-Me-Not.
Moths wrecked the bedspread that mom crocheted
for a wedding night that never took place;
dispatched like the milk carton’s missing child:
dead or help captive by a pedophile.
Disposed bandages of our unhealed wounds
transiently mask our life’s scarred festoon.
Pain is best thrown out than its story told
if hope can recycle while the ache’s withheld.
-------------------------------------
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 4
without the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 3
with the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope recycles when the hard truth's withheld.
----------------------------------------
Todd/ellz edit 2
better with last two lines cut?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Keep last two lines
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-----------------------------------------------
original
in couplets
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-or-
in quatrains
Disposable
Bills that come due
are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets
carelessly lost
and the crumpled news
of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred
beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed
milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive
by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers
are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs
as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters
are now coffee stained
as the ink has run,
but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens
that mom crocheted
for festive spreads
that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages
of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders
in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown
out than their story told.
Hope can recycle
when the truth's withheld. So far is the best I've read on this site, keep it in the quatrains format but try to link them somehow something like "carelessly lost/ fortune of mine letters that describe/ crumpled news" And use capitals at the beginning of every word that starts the row.
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
(01-16-2014, 03:36 AM)Codry Wrote: (11-26-2013, 12:33 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 5
Disposable
Excessive bills conveniently tossed
and winning Lotto tickets rashly lost
will amass with the news of heinous crimes
as our conscience blurs beneath garbage grime.
Pitched teary letters that were coffee stained;
their ink has run, but the harsh words remain.
Those trashed phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
her mislaid thong, the sole Forget-Me-Not.
Moths wrecked the bedspread that mom crocheted
for a wedding night that never took place;
dispatched like the milk carton’s missing child:
dead or help captive by a pedophile.
Disposed bandages of our unhealed wounds
transiently mask our life’s scarred festoon.
Pain is best thrown out than its story told
if hope can recycle while the ache’s withheld.
-------------------------------------
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 4
without the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 3
with the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope recycles when the hard truth's withheld.
----------------------------------------
Todd/ellz edit 2
better with last two lines cut?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Keep last two lines
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-----------------------------------------------
original
in couplets
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-or-
in quatrains
Disposable
Bills that come due
are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets
carelessly lost
and the crumpled news
of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred
beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed
milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive
by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers
are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs
as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters
are now coffee stained
as the ink has run,
but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens
that mom crocheted
for festive spreads
that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages
of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders
in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown
out than their story told.
Hope can recycle
when the truth's withheld. So far is the best I've read on this site, keep it in the quatrains format but try to link them somehow something like "carelessly lost/ fortune of mine letters that describe/ crumpled news" And use capitals at the beginning of every word that starts the row.
Thank you Codry for the encouraging words. I changed it from quatrains to couplets to link the lines and theme better. However, I agree that further work could be done. Starting each line with all caps is too old school for me and serves no purpose. I find it actually interupts flow for me unless each line is a complete sentence. Nonethless, some still hold to that convention. I do appreciate your time and comments on this piece. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
(11-26-2013, 12:33 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 5
Disposable
Excessive bills conveniently tossed
and winning Lotto tickets rashly lost
will amass with the news of heinous crimes
as our conscience blurs beneath garbage grime.
Pitched teary letters that were coffee stained;
their ink has run, but the harsh words remain.
Those trashed phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
her mislaid thong, the sole Forget-Me-Not.
Moths wrecked the bedspread that mom crocheted
for a wedding night that never took place;
dispatched like the milk carton’s missing child:
dead or help captive by a pedophile.
Disposed bandages of our unhealed wounds
transiently mask our life’s scarred festoon.
Pain is best thrown out than its story told
if hope can recycle while the ache’s withheld.
-------------------------------------
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 4
without the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Todd/ellz/Chaz/Keith/trueE edit 3
with the last two lines?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost,
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath garbage grime.
Where’s the empty milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Misplaced phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot;
their mislaid thongs serve as Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters become coffee stained;
the ink may have run, but harsh words remain.
The moth-ruined linens that mom crocheted
for festive tables were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope recycles when the hard truth's withheld.
----------------------------------------
Todd/ellz edit 2
better with last two lines cut?
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
-or-
Keep last two lines
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-----------------------------------------------
original
in couplets
Disposable
Bills that come due are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets carelessly lost
and the crumpled news of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters are now coffee stained
as the ink has run, but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens that mom crocheted
for festive spreads that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown out than their story told.
Hope can recycle when the truth's withheld.
-or-
in quatrains
Disposable
Bills that come due
are conveniently tossed
with the Lotto tickets
carelessly lost
and the crumpled news
of heinous crimes
become conscience-blurred
beneath oven grime.
Where is that crushed
milk carton's missing child:
dead or held captive
by some pedophile?
Missing phone numbers
are the lovelorn's lot,
with mislaid thongs
as sole Forget-Me-Nots.
Old tear-marked letters
are now coffee stained
as the ink has run,
but harsh words remain.
Moths ruined the linens
that mom crocheted
for festive spreads
that were never displayed.
Bloody bandages
of our unhealed wounds
become life's reminders
in scarred festoon.
Some things best thrown
out than their story told.
Hope can recycle
when the truth's withheld.
I liked it. and after u edited its even better. Pretty good work
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
(01-16-2014, 11:35 AM)YouAreMe Wrote: I liked it. and after u edited its even better. Pretty good work
This is the Serious Workshopping forum. Please read the forum rules as this is not acceptable critique.
It could be worse
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
Don't be shy about thowing me an edit while you are cracking the whip Leanne!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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