edit 2 Thanks billy and Erthona

A FedEx bullet freefalls through
the wispy noontime clouds
every second a gajillion miles closer
to the field littered with fresh gilded bales.
Two stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. The plane hits the hay
in an screamless gold flash
spewing a fountain of crimson
wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude
she slams on snooze, shuts tight her lids
still seeing daddy in his checkered shirt,
with stretched buttons and worn down cuffs,
his hand shielding eyes from silent glare,

his heart still unattacked.

Dad’s dream twin chuckles
that the carnage smacks
of the lurid dreams she’s had
the past few months. He slowly shakes
his head and laughs, just as real
dad did when his jets crashed
sixty-seven days ago.




edit 1 Thanks Bob

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
through noontime clouds
towards her parents’ alfalfa field.
They stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. It hits without screams,
spewing a fountain of red wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude.
She slams on snooze, clinging
to daddy in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from silent glare,
heart still unattacked.

He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.




original

Wednesdays in dreamland her neck cranes
upwards, drops down in time with the plane
crashing into her parents’ alfalfa field.
Tonight it’s orange and purple: FedEx,
smashing through the noontime clouds
bearing gifts of-- morning talk show intrudes
so she slams on snooze, clinging
onto daddy standing in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from burning glare,
heart still unattacked.
He chuckles that the scene smacks
of that dream she always has, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.

(01-30-2014, 08:14 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  Wednesdays in dreamland her neck cranes
upwards, drops down in time with the plane
crashing into her parents’ alfalfa field.
Tonight it’s orange and purple: FedEx,
smashing through the noontime clouds

For me these build up lines are convoluted and drag a bit. The weekday, the neck craning, the plane colors and the gifts of... strike me as non-germane. I think you can contract a whole lot. Let the FedEx plane crash into the alfalfa field in two-three lines, reveal that it is a dream directly through absurdities, instead of stating it. The snooze will let the reader know soon anyways. Perhaps add something heart-attack like, such as a motorstop, if you need it for the pacing

bearing gifts of-- morning talk show intrudes
so she slams on snooze, clinging In the poem it seems like the interruption precedes the dad (rather than the reverse), so you cling to an unstarted dream sequence of dad when you press snooze. If you subtly planted the dad in the beginning this might be more elegant and bring the reader closer to the intended experience. But of course since this is a repeated dream, the dreamer knows what to expect.

onto daddy standing in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from burning glare, Is the glare from the crashed plane? Maybe this could be made more obvious by some small modification.

heart still unattacked. This is a key line. Keep it short.

He chuckles that the scene smacks
of that dream she always has, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.

I think the ending could be improved by a stronger sense of location than "that dream" and "the scene" which both strike me as rather abstract. Maybe a specific word or two about the location and environment would be enough. You could use something symbolic like a burning teddy, a piece of the plane in the narrator's bed or what ever.

Wow what an incredibly useful critique Bob, thank you!! You've given me tons to work with. I really like the direction this is going, but as usual I begin with too much wordiness, and get too rooted in and need help seeing straight.

Really appreciate the time you put into this, hopefully I'll come back with a worthy edit. ;D

-justcloudy

---

And lol to the burning teddy. Very Breaking Bad-esque. ;p

---

Edit posted.

hi jc

at the moment it's mainly a story,
while stories are good they often need more.

She slams on snooze...this is more the S's are alliteration. use this and other poetic devices like consonance and assonance more widely.
the 1st line

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
A free-fall FedEx bullet smashes
or
A free-fall FedEx bullet parts
noontime clouds...what kind of clouds were they

A free-fall FedEx bullet parts
the grey of noontime clouds...

and so on. (just exmplaes for you to play with.)

go through the poem and see if you can add some more depth while removing some of the weaker words and phrase.
thanks for the read.

(01-30-2014, 08:14 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  edit

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
through noontime clouds
towards her parents’ alfalfa field.
They stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. It hits without screams,
spewing a fountain of red wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude.
She slams on snooze, clinging
to daddy in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from silent glare,
heart still unattacked.

He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.



original
Wednesdays in dreamland her neck cranes
upwards, drops down in time with the plane
crashing into her parents’ alfalfa field.
Tonight it’s orange and purple: FedEx,
smashing through the noontime clouds
bearing gifts of-- morning talk show intrudes
so she slams on snooze, clinging
onto daddy standing in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from burning glare,
heart still unattacked.
He chuckles that the scene smacks
of that dream she always has, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.

This stanza seems ambiguous

"He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago."

Did this really happen sixty-seven days ago, during which time "she"
had nightmares about it, and now it has happened again?

""He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror," so this is a real event?

"he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.""
so another similar event happened 67 days ago?

Is his laughing one of irony?

Sorry, just don't understand what you are trying to say.

Dale

Thanks billy and Dale, clearly I'm not succeeding at what I hoped to do here. Very valid points, I'll keep working at it!

OK edit posted, I think I'm getting closer. Dale does new version make things clearer for you, as far as what's going on? I want to tell the story in the poem and not in the comments. Thanks much. =]

-justcloudy

(01-30-2014, 08:14 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  edit 2 Thanks billy and Erthona
Hi just,
It is interesting how this has not developed...that is not a criticism. You are holding on to your possession as though the concept is precious beyond the wrapping paper....but only you know what is inside. Enough of the metaphor. It just is not clear though I can SEE what cute cornering you making are to lead us into the story...trouble is, every time you turn a corner I lose you...or vice versa. Consider this. The plane flies at 6 miles up...ish...we know this. We have a serious crash coming on. A gazillion (street slang, comedic, undefined but huge) miles a second...no, it just lacks credence. But then we switch cameras and note the observers watching the catastrophe unfold...I guess they have about a millisecond to the bang. No time to stand. However, this is a poem...there has to be SOME license. I get the plane crashes, I see the observers...er...observing. I can even construct the carnage, the cargo arcing and tumbling in the air....and I like it...but then you are off around the corner! Grammar goes haywire, punctuation plummets...help
A FedEx bullet freefalls through
the wispy noontime clouds
every second a gajillion miles closergazillion is just not serious enough
to the field littered with fresh gilded bales.fresh gilded or fresh, gilded bales. Not clear and probably with over modification to no real purpose. So they were fresh...so?
Two stand to watch, heads droppingThese heads will drop like Madame Guillotine has lopped them...they only have a millisecond
down in time. The plane hits the hay...but you HAVE set the scene and the concept IS good. The "hits the hay" is probably again a little lacking in realism. When a freefalling jet hits the deck at a gazillion miles a second ( notwithstanding terminal velocity!) I could think of little else less worthily observable than clouting in to a bale of hay! This is where some may say, "Come on, get real"
in an screamless gold flashin a screamless
spewing a fountain of crimson
wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrudePeriod, or you write "...shouts intrude she slams.." Huh?
she slams on snooze, shuts tight her lidsOh come all ye cliches...you are allowed shuts tight her eyes....no? She shuts tight her upper ecto-orbital sheath....eyes, please
still seeing daddy in his checkered shirt,
with stretched buttons and worn down cuffs,
his hand shielding eyes from silent glare, Ah...too wise for two eyes...so shielding sight from silent glare...btw what noise would you expect a glare to make...as Dale might have asked

his heart still unattacked.Kind of like this, though. It's not original because I have used it but it wasn't new when I thought it was

Dad’s dream twin chuckles
that the carnage smacks
of the lurid dreams she’s had
the past few months. He slowly shakes You wrote this:
"Dad’s dream twin chuckles that the carnage smacks of the lurid dreams she’s had the past few months." Help...you've gone around another corner and I cannot follow you.
his head and laughs, just as real
dad did when his jets crashed
sixty-seven days ago.So who is unreal dad? Wha? Who? Wh....?

It needs tidying up. It is a story. It is undisciplined. It is conceptually compromised by little knots, lumps and tangles. There is a GOOD IDEA here. You can make it work.
Best,
tectak


edit 1 Thanks Bob

A silver FedEx bullet smashes
through noontime clouds
towards her parents’ alfalfa field.
They stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. It hits without screams,
spewing a fountain of red wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude.
She slams on snooze, clinging
to daddy in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from silent glare,
heart still unattacked.

He chuckles that the carnage smacks
of her nightly terror, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.




original

Wednesdays in dreamland her neck cranes
upwards, drops down in time with the plane
crashing into her parents’ alfalfa field.
Tonight it’s orange and purple: FedEx,
smashing through the noontime clouds
bearing gifts of-- morning talk show intrudes
so she slams on snooze, clinging
onto daddy standing in his checkered shirt,
hand covering eyes from burning glare,
heart still unattacked.
He chuckles that the scene smacks
of that dream she always has, shaking his head
as he laughs, just like he did
sixty-seven days ago.

Hey tectak

Actually soon after I posted that revision I was gonna take it down but then since no one was commenting I just left it. It became clear to me the edit was trying too hard and was running in place a bit. Though I worked on it some after, I think I need to do a total dismantling. Thanks for the comments, I'll take them into consideration.

Just fyi the stuff in the first bit wasn't supposed to be credible since it's a dream, but point taken. It's too erratic, I'm not guiding my readers well enough.

Once I get something figured out rest assured I'll post. Thanks again!

-justcloudy

don't take something down because no one got to it, i miss most of the stuff on here because it moves down the page too damn quickly,

now you have this JC try and remove any extraneous words
go over each line; can they be shortened, reword to remove excess.

if some one were reading this poem to you what would you think? look at the words as though they're not your own, would still understand them as well? that's what the reader sees, show the story, show the dream.

great to see you still editing.

(01-30-2014, 08:14 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  edit 2 Thanks billy and Erthona

A FedEx bullet freefalls through through weakens this first line a suggestion would be to start the next line with it and remove [the]
the wispy noontime clouds
every second a gajillion miles closer think about wording an example would be; [a gajillion miles per second closer] though it goes through the brown paper bag of hyperbole and and comes out the other side looking like a batman script .
to the field littered with fresh gilded bales. don't go over board. a suggestion would be; [to the field of gilded bales.]
Two stand to watch, heads dropping
down in time. The plane hits the hay
in an screamless gold flash in a
spewing a fountain of crimson
wrapped gifts.

Morning talk show shouts intrude
she slams on snooze, shuts tight her lids
still seeing daddy in his checkered shirt,
with stretched buttons and worn down cuffs,
his hand shielding eyes from silent glare,

his heart still unattacked.

Dad’s dream twin chuckles
that the carnage smacks
of the lurid dreams she’s had
the past few months. He slowly shakes
his head and laughs, just as real
dad did when his jets crashed
sixty-seven days ago.

Quote:Dad’s dream twin chuckles,
the carnage smacks of her
recent lurid dreams.
His head shakes
as corporeal dad's shook
when his F-sixteen crashed
sixty-seven days ago.

the above is an example of what i mean JC, it's a suggestion (not a rewrite) name the type of jet, it's the only way i can explain what i mean, feel free to ignore it :J:

Thanks billy. Wonderful comments as always. =]

I wasn't going to take it down because no one was commenting (that's actually why I left it up, lol), but because I realized that it wasn't the best edit, that's all.

tec your sound (and deserving) thrashing was invaluable while rewriting this. And billy with the rewrite I tried to take a third person stance, as you suggested. Just wanted to say thanks again to both of you.

Take a look at the new one here, http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=13446. Any more thoughts will be appreciated as always.

-justcloudy