“Lucky” number seven. Edit 1

[Codry]

Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.


It's not a very good first line, but it sets up the cold, lifeless poem.
That was the whole idea.


I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past ...

Coma deleted replaced by dots

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.

It's a fragmented set of lines, but maybe you want it that way. Where is the fragmentation?




And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

The brainless lips is all right. It's a cold subject, there's not much else that stands out in any way.



On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

I keep repeating how cold it is, it's not necessarily a bad thing to handle it this way but it's kind of dull. Kind of sketchy too. I don't have any suggestions, I just see that it's dull, and think you'd do better to struggle with it more....... It's a morgue scene How one in such a setting must feel other than cold? I personally am a weird that way I didn't felt scared nor petrified wile I was there, even tho I used "marble mountains" as a figure of speech for their lifeless bodies. What sort of of contrast should I use ?

I'm wandering if I cached "My curiosity towards death" because that was the whole idea I wanted to focus on "their" world more than on "our" world or on the rapport between worlds.There are some comments in the quotation written by me next to yours.

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Your use of books soon becomes canvas, a piece of fabric for painting, perhaps you could reconcile that somehow. I like your use of simile. The piece does not excite or hold my attention (but with some effort). I think rowens is on spot, this needs to be worked with , I think you can turn this into something more stimulating and moving to the senses. I believe this ends here: But she gave me the world in silence.
Thank you for sharing this and good luck with it.
Best!
Heart

"Books" stands for life story
"Canvas" stands for body, skin
Both used intentionally
I wonder what senses can you use after death? because this is the theme of the poem "the after death life". You know what I'm going to use that question to link " But she gave me the world in silence" with " "Surrender" she said."