“Lucky” number seven.


Edit 1

Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.

I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past ...

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.



And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore,

But she gave me the world in silence,

A pitch black world, A world of enigmas,

A world full of questions I wasn't brave enough to ask, as a living.

I begun wondering what senses I can use after death

If I can see the beauty beneath me,

If I can touch the life outside me,

If I can hear my favorite melody,

If I can taste heavenly grapes,

If I can smell the rose?

Would I feel time?

Would I see the day and night?

Would I get old?

Or young?

Would I feel hollow like a ghost? Or ...

Would I have a body ? Where I go.

Would I need it?

Would I walk?

Between worlds?

Would I dance on clouds?

Would I talk?

Would someone hear me?

Would that matter?

An most of all ...

Would I feel something?

Pleasure ...?

Pain ...?

Love ... ?

Or Hate ... ?

Or nothing at all?

Would I cry?

Would I smile?

Would I laugh?

Or is it a pure fantasy?

And all there was ...

It's never coming back the way I used to know?

Is it ... void ... that is ...

Expecting me?

"Tell me !" I asked

Looking in her eyes close shut, dead;

Sending shivers on my spine

“Surrender” she said.




Original

Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.

I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.



And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.


It's not a very good first line, but it sets up the cold, lifeless poem.


I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,

Why the comma there?

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.

It's a fragmented set of lines, but maybe you want it that way.




And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

The brainless lips is all right. It's a cold subject, there's not much else that stands out in any way.



On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

I keep repeating how cold it is, it's not necessarily a bad thing to handle it this way but it's kind of dull. Kind of sketchy too. I don't have any suggestions, I just see that it's dull, and think you'd do better to struggle with it more.

Your use of books soon becomes canvas, a piece of fabric for painting, perhaps you could reconcile that somehow. I like your use of simile. The piece does not excite or hold my attention (but with some effort). I think rowens is on spot, this needs to be worked with , I think you can turn this into something more stimulating and moving to the senses. I believe this ends here: But she gave me the world in silence.
Thank you for sharing this and good luck with it.
Best!
Heart

(01-16-2014, 04:32 AM)Codry Wrote:  “Lucky” number seven.


Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.

I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.



And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

That was cool. Was pretty significant

Whilst appreciating your newbie status this is not considered worthy critique, being neither "cool" nor significant.
Mod

(01-16-2014, 07:39 AM)rowens Wrote:  Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.


It's not a very good first line, but it sets up the cold, lifeless poem.
That was the whole idea.


I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past ...

Coma deleted replaced by dots

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.

It's a fragmented set of lines, but maybe you want it that way. Where is the fragmentation?




And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

The brainless lips is all right. It's a cold subject, there's not much else that stands out in any way.



On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

I keep repeating how cold it is, it's not necessarily a bad thing to handle it this way but it's kind of dull. Kind of sketchy too. I don't have any suggestions, I just see that it's dull, and think you'd do better to struggle with it more....... It's a morgue scene How one in such a setting must feel other than cold? I personally am a weird that way I didn't felt scared nor petrified wile I was there, even tho I used "marble mountains" as a figure of speech for their lifeless bodies. What sort of of contrast should I use ?

I'm wandering if I cached "My curiosity towards death" because that was the whole idea I wanted to focus on "their" world more than on "our" world or on the rapport between worlds.There are some comments in the quotation written by me next to yours.

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(01-16-2014, 08:07 AM)Heartafire Wrote:  Your use of books soon becomes canvas, a piece of fabric for painting, perhaps you could reconcile that somehow. I like your use of simile. The piece does not excite or hold my attention (but with some effort). I think rowens is on spot, this needs to be worked with , I think you can turn this into something more stimulating and moving to the senses. I believe this ends here: But she gave me the world in silence.
Thank you for sharing this and good luck with it.
Best!
Heart

"Books" stands for life story
"Canvas" stands for body, skin
Both used intentionally
I wonder what senses can you use after death? because this is the theme of the poem "the after death life". You know what I'm going to use that question to link " But she gave me the world in silence" with " "Surrender" she said."

A cold tone is fine, whatever that means. You would just feel it and still be interested in the poem. The main problem is the sketchiness of it, the fragmented sense that is partly because of the way you've used or not used punctuation and the way you've handled your lines. Some of that fragmented feeling can be used since, like you say, you're wanting to have a rapport between worlds.

I'll read the other version you posted.

(01-16-2014, 10:29 PM)rowens Wrote:  A cold tone is fine, whatever that means. You would just feel it and still be interested in the poem. The main problem is the sketchiness of it, the fragmented sense that is partly because of the way you've used or not used punctuation and the way you've handled your lines. Some of that fragmented feeling can be used since, like you say, you're wanting to have a rapport between worlds.

I'll read the other version you posted.

Do you see a difference between them ?

I'll read it more thoroughly later and try to think of better things to say. It's difficult to get a poem like this to work, but of course you can do it.

Instead of canvas maybe "papyrus". I can't go with

""Books" stands for life story
"Canvas" stands for body, skin"

as that is not an established allusion, nor do you establish it in any way, so there is no way for the reader to know that is what you mean.

I'm guessing "she" is Nefertiti, although I think she only lived to be 22.

"She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.
So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers"

maybe not dead, nor alive.


"So close yet so far" a tad cliche.

"Hall & Oates - So Close", "So Close, Yet So Far - Elvis Presley", "Strawbs - So Close And Yet So Far".


Dale

Making it longer as you have only seems to make matters worse. It feels like an isolated scene from a story with better parts. It lacks the better parts.

(01-17-2014, 07:30 AM)rowens Wrote:  Making it longer as you have only seems to make matters worse. It feels like an isolated scene from a story with better parts. It lacks the better parts.

What would you consider a better part? I want to know what you feel, how you feel it and why you feel it. I don't wanna know what you think but what you FEEL.

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(01-17-2014, 01:58 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Instead of canvas maybe "papyrus" .Do you have any idea how rough papyrus is it's harder than paper I can't use that word to describe skin I can't go with

""Books" stands for life storyHow many times you heard the expression " I ended this chapter in my life but I didn't closed the book"?
"Canvas" stands for body, skin" I could have used "temple" just as easy and that would have taken you to an image of a city not even close to the body. In the bible(I"m not a true believer but I do read) they say Jesus's face was imprinted on canvas, most paintings that have a face/body on it are painted on canvas ... canvas is pliable, soft just like skin

as that is not an established allusion, nor do you establish it in any way, so there is no way for the reader to know that is what you mean. That's really bad because if they don't get this they wont get my other poetry which is way more subtle than this example right here, oddly enough my friends who don't write poetry do understand the allusion

I'm guessing "she" is Nefertiti, although I think she only lived to be 22.The fact I used Osiris That doesn't make her Nefertiti I could have used Hades or any other god linked to death just as well"

"She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.
So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers"

maybe not dead, nor alive.
"She made me feel not dead"....mmmm..It sounds so scratchy to my ear and grammatically incorrect... it sounded better in 1600 " She made me not feel dead" but with a different structure



"So close yet so far" a tad cliche. I admit this can be changed a little

"Hall & Oates - So Close", "So Close, Yet So Far - Elvis Presley", "Strawbs - So Close And Yet So Far".


Dale

It's hard to feel anything about it, I have to think because the writing is obviously bad.




Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.

I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past ...

You use the dots for a pause, for the sake of rhythm?

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

You mean share a tear with other people that aren't there, or share in the expected sadness? Tear is a symbol for sorrow? You didn't do what for your what?


At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Maybe a comma at the end of that line. But maybe not.

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.



There isn't much interesting going on. Nothing new. Nothing in what's being said or how it's being said. If you want to know what's better, you have to come up with it yourself. You're the poet.

I'm not drawn into it, it's too rough and lackluster to experience it as anything more than a skeleton frame where a poem could be.



They said she had nothing to offer anymore,

But she gave me the world in silence,

You could start at that point, and try to work through what you need to say and how.

(01-16-2014, 11:30 AM)YouAreMe Wrote:  

(01-16-2014, 04:32 AM)Codry Wrote:  “Lucky” number seven.


Once warm books, now frozen pages in the library of Osiris.

I feel nothing while I read your canvas,

No feelings of sorrow, not even pity,

Nor hear deaf whispers of the past,

That call your blind souls in despair.



I can’t share a tear for you, I didn’t do it for mine

At best I gaze at your fleshy panoramic landscape

Table horizontal marble mountains.

“Perhaps I’m an empty vessel as well” I said.



And then I spot her out of seven rancid trees , My muse.

I see the beauty of her lifeless

Sleepy body, 30’s winter age.

She made me feel nor dead, nor alive.

So close yet so far my tingly burning fingers

On her brainless lips, on her chin, her throat,

On her bare chest, just in between.

I hold her tight and in my mind I say “ I want to kiss you.”

“ I want to feel your darkness and bury myself inside your skin”

They said she had nothing to offer anymore.

But she gave me the world in silence

“Surrender” she said.

That was cool. Was pretty significant

Whilst appreciating your newbie status this is not considered worthy critique being neither "cool" nor significant.