Age fright Edit 1.0 justcloudy, true, chris

[jdvanwijk]

Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze For me, both 'say what you wish' and 'I will not speak to criticise' don't add much meaning to the poem. I think the first three lines can be streamlined.
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red. Maybe rephrase to 'through bent fingers, swollen red'?
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out, exit stage left,
and credence left on cue,
this play has gone from bad to worse. The last five lines I think are very good: I like the theatre-imagery and the fact that it's to the point. The last line might be a bit too onvious though, maybe try to state this with some more subtlety.

tectak
2012

Hello Tom,

I enjoyed reading your poem, I think the beginning could use some work though. I hope my feedback is of any use to you.

All best,
Jan