Yellownape

[jdeirmend]

Yellownape (2nd revision)

It caught my eye again: to see you poised asleep
like an emerald statuette, struck behind the neck
by the sun. Perched, in that darkened corner
of the house, atop an open, grey wire cage:
a subtle taste of liberty, in which this cadre
of higher primates, has permit you to engage

Something lurking in your figure chills me:
graceful curves protruding from the shadows, airfoils
draped like plumed armor about your face.
You are folded into yourself. And in the faint lines
drawn by your form, a glimpse bleeds through
of my own contrivance: a bird’s ancestral fantasy

That recalls a life you might have had, in the
Amazon’s canopy: where the simians neither
talked, nor would bother to capture you. Your forbearers
happy to ignore them, laughingly, mimicking their
maudlin howls in squawking tones: a varicolored soundscape
to match the verdant scene, of boundless jungle trees

The vision falters. I come to, and see you
cast in the sterile pallor of artificial light. Pet parrot
in the suburbs, a faded emblem of the vibrancy I’d just beheld.
Forever lost to you, as much as we, the speaking beings
who take comfort, too, in our own monochrome
penitentiaries -- though ages may have passed
us by, since we've outwardly escaped from these

Your sunspot is out of sight, now, as I stare back into
the wonders that you hide. My gaze struggles to
pierce your feathered guard again: the means whereby
you were meant to fly. Still from without, your
image remains inviolate, and compels to meditate on this

Though motionless, your posture somehow speaks:
A reticence, overbrimming with freedom
a signum of majestic, skyward potency. Sorrow yields
for a moment, to this precious, human thing:
even for the broken, shut-in prison-bird, hope remains
within the dreams it shelters in its wings

Yellownape (1st revision)

It caught my eye again
to see you poised
like an emerald statuette
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun
in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage

standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom
in which this cadre
of higher primates
has condescended
to let you engage

There is a majesty
that chills me
lurking in your figure,
wherein I’m caught
by the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings
draped like plumed armor

about your face. You are
folded into yourself. As if

wrapped up in a dream of times
long past, from what could disrupt it:
a dream of a bird’s youth spent
living among its kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to

ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their maudlin howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day

While in waking hours
you’ve become an emblem
of a beauty that is
forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome

Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into

Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very means whereby
you were ever meant to fly

that, in this moment
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night

From what comes from
being enfolded into
the realm of the human:
the banal restlessness
of the present age
and its artificial light


Yellownape (original)

It caught my eye again:
to see you poised
like an emerald statue

kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun

in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage

standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom

in which this cadre
of higher primates
have condescended,

to let you engage.

Yet there is a majesty
I see that chills me
lurking in your figure, when

catching the subtle curves
of your form protruding

from the dark: wings draped
like the most graceful of shields

about your face. You are
folded into yourself. Do
you recall ancestral dreams

of the Amazon, I muse?
Dreams of living among your kindred

in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither

spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to

ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their foolish howls
in squawking tones: such colorful

music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day

But now, you are reduced
to an emblem, of a beauty

that is forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome

Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within

for your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into

Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate

the very things whereby
you were ever meant to fly

that, in this moment,
serve but one purpose:

to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night

from the blessing and the
human curse, of artificial light

[ellajam]

Hi, j, just a first read, so much well done here, my immediate thoughts:

You've punctuated but ignored the period. I'd like to know why, I think the poem needs them.

I sailed along until for your sunspot with just a pause or two, but got caught there and lost it.

I'll try again, nice piece, thanks for the read.

I know this post is meager for this workshop, just wanted to pass this on.

Yellownape

It caught my eye again:
to see you poised
like an emerald statue

kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun

in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage

standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom

in which this cadre
of higher primates
have condescended,

to let you engage.

Yet there is a majesty
I see that chills me
lurking in your figure, when

catching the subtle curves
of your form protruding

from the dark: wings draped
like the most graceful of shields

about your face. You are
folded into yourself. Do
you recall ancestral dreams

of the Amazon, I muse?
Dreams of living among your kindred

in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither

spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to

ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their foolish howls
in squawking tones: such colorful

music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day

But now, you are reduced
to an emblem, of a beauty

that is forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome

Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within

for your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into

Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate

the very things whereby
you were ever meant to fly

that, in this moment,
serve but one purpose:

to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night

from the blessing and the
human curse, of artificial light

[jdeirmend]

Ella, thanks for the compliments and feedback, I really do appreciate it. When I post a longer piece, I get afraid that people won't even finish it, so thanks for making it to the end.

My punctuation is a mess, I know. Do you mean to say that I failed to capitalize after every period?

I will go through and try to edit for punctuation again.

- James

[ellajam]

Ella, thanks for the compliments and feedback, I really do appreciate it. When I post a longer piece, I get afraid that people won't even finish it, so thanks for making it to the end.

My punctuation is a mess, I know. Do you mean to say that I failed to capitalize after every period?

I will go through and try to edit for punctuation again.

- James

Maybe I just see more sentence breaks than you do. I'm no punctuation expert, maybe one will come by, if not I'll give it a go.

[ChristopherSea]

It sounds like a wonderful avian companion and you have captured its beauty well. I understand the guilt/concern of removing them from their natural habitat, but for me that can be balanced with the reality that many of the world’s creatures have a fleeting life out in the elements.

I believe this poem would read better with less breaks and a few alternate ones. Sometimes caps are employed after lines without stops. Some alternate punctuation could be considered. You could add them to reduce longer lines. This is rather wordy, although the words are often delightful. It seems over-structured, therefore an edit something like this may fare better for me:


It caught my eye again:
to see you poised
like an emerald statue
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun.

In that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage
you stand atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom
in which this cadre
of higher primates
have condescended, *cadre has?*
to let you engage.

Yet there is a majesty,
I see that chills me,
lurking in your figure,
when catching the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings draped
like the most graceful of shields
about your face. You are
folded into yourself. Do
you recall ancestral dreams
of the Amazon, I muse?

Dreams of living
among your kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to
ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their foolish howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day.

But now, you are reduced
to an emblem, of a beauty
that is forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome
prisons we build, for the estranged
animals we
each carry within.

Your sunspot
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into
every wonder that you hide,
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very things whereby
you were ever meant to fly
that, in this moment,
serve but one purpose:

to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night
from the blessing and the
human curse

of artificial light.



You could also strive for more brevity. See what you think. Nonetheless, it is a lovely creature and poem! Cheers/Chris

[jdeirmend]

Christopher, thank you very much. The editing suggestions are particularly appreciated. I will try to put it all together in bigger chunks.

[SirBrendan]

[quote='jdeirmend' pid='146604' dateline='1383913139']
Yellownape (1st revision)

It caught my eye again
to see you poised
like an emerald statuette
kissed behind the neck
by the golden sun -- I would place a period or semi colonat the end of the line here. How long this sentence runs on distracts from how well done it is
in that darkened corner
of the kitchen, perched
outside your cage-- comma

standing atop the dull grey
wire-fencing, in a subtle
mockery of freedom the freedom. I know this change would disrupt your metre, but this or another alteration needs to happen.
in which this cadre
of higher primates
has condescended --very effective language here
to let you engage

There is a majesty
that chills me
lurking in your figure,
wherein I’m caught
by the subtle curves
of your form protruding
from the dark: wings
draped like plumed armor

about your face. You are -- I don't understand the line break that occurs for these two lines; I would the first with upper and the latter with the lower. Currently, it interrupts the read.
folded into yourself. As if -- The period here has to be a comma, as the next piece becomes an incomplete sentence otherwise

wrapped up in a dream of times
long past, from what could disrupt it:
a dream of a bird’s youth spent
living among its kindred
in the treetops – in a place
where the monkeys neither
spoke, nor would dare
to capture you – where your
forbearers were happy to

ignore them, and laugh
by mimicking their maudlin howls
in squawking tones: such colorful
music, to match the vibrant
sights of the rainforest by day --Do you realise just how long this sentence is? :p

While in waking hours
you’ve become an emblem
of a beauty that is
forever lost to speaking
beings: and the monochrome --To my limited understanding, following a colon with a conjunction is inappropriate. Actually, there's no reason for this colon to be here anyways

Prisons we build, for the
estranged animals we
each carry within.
Your sunspot --I really like using the birds colouration as a metaphor like this
is out of sight, now
as I try to stare into

Every wonder that you hide
my gaze failing to penetrate
the very means whereby
you were ever meant to fly

that, in this moment
serve but one purpose:
to make sleep possible
by shielding you, at night

From what comes from}
being enfolded into }
the realm of the human:}
the banal restlessness } --- This is the only stanza that doesn't really work for me. It seems like you're unnecessarily restating to me. I believe the stanza before this would be a stronger closure
of the present age }
and its artificial light }


I would be careful of your run-ons and overuse of the colons. I would also suggest you go through the poem and remove anything that isn't totally necessary to avoid restating feelings you've already evoked. There's a lot of punctuation overhaul and rethinking needed as well.

I hope that my criticisms don't seem too picky. I spent a good hour reading and re-reading this poem, so I mean it very much as a compliment. This was a great image you conjured for me-- thank you

[jdeirmend]

Thank you for taking the time, Brendan. It's a huge compliment. I will try to return the favor and give due consideration to your critique.