Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise,
for time we squeeze in clapping hands
must not slip free to run like sands,
through fingers hot and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth.
Since youth bowed out, exit stage left,
and credence left on cue,
this play has gone from bad to worse.

tectak
2012

this is touching tectak. something raw and bitter about it that I like.

had trouble with the rhythm throughout. the chunks are really nice but they don't quite fit together for me. lines 3-4 especially, and the last line--it feels too heavy, like it's dragging the rest down.

good starting point to have if you ask me!

(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote:  Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth, You need a semi colon either here,
since youth bowed out, or here, to help me parse this. exit stage left, the stage direction note (exit stage left) should be either in italics, or parenthesis. Unless you're saying youth bowed out and exited stage left.
and credence left on cue, I like this.
this play has gone from bad to worse. This is dipping too closely to melodramatic and cliche. Bring some fresh language into the last line. You don't have to prove it in saying it.

tectak
2012

This is a nice little piece of introspection. I'd say that you should replace "exit stage left" with something less generic, perhaps even esoteric, from the world of actors, directors, and playwrites. If you're up for the challenge, I'd also suggest replacing the sand through the hands metaphor/simile with something a little more specific to the theme, i.e. a playwrite's metaphor for time (perhaps something about a curtain call or the final curtain, etc.)

(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote:  Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out, exit stage left,
and credence left on cue,
this play has gone from bad to worse.

tectak
2012

Heavens to Murgatrod; exit stage left Snagglepus! If I wrote this, you might just beat me with the cliché stick! In all seriousness, there is a lot to like herein. The pun in the title, the sardonic wit throughout and some good lines. I especially like the opener. I did hit a small bump in the second line. However, I think with some alternate line breaks and punctuation it may be alright. I will restructure it as I read it below:

Say what you wish,
now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticize,
for time we squeeze, in touching hands,
must not slip free to run like sands,
through fingers bent and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out;
exit stage left,
and credence left on cue.

I want to stop here, although I see that you want to tie in the theater metaphor.

Maybe: This play has run its course. (to take advantage of the triple meaning, as in a disease running its course, the playing ending and life itself being over.)

See what you think. This is me loving it. /Chris

(11-07-2013, 06:08 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  this is touching tectak. something raw and bitter about it that I like.

had trouble with the rhythm throughout. the chunks are really nice but they don't quite fit together for me. lines 3-4 especially, and the last line--it feels too heavy, like it's dragging the rest down.

good starting point to have if you ask me!

Thanks justc.
I am intending workshopping this one. All comments are appreciated.
I don't want it to be heavy or profound.
I think the idea has been used in some form many times. I am trying to get the self-critical analysis to be as a thespian may crit his own,final performance. More work needed.
Best
tectak

---

(11-07-2013, 07:28 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote:  Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth, You need a semi colon either here,
since youth bowed out, or here, to help me parse this. exit stage left, the stage direction note (exit stage left) should be either in italics, or parenthesis. Unless you're saying youth bowed out and exited stage left.
and credence left on cue, I like this.
this play has gone from bad to worse. This is dipping too closely to melodramatic and cliche. Bring some fresh language into the last line. You don't have to prove it in saying it.

tectak
2012

This is a nice little piece of introspection. I'd say that you should replace "exit stage left" with something less generic, perhaps even esoteric, from the world of actors, directors, and playwrites. If you're up for the challenge, I'd also suggest replacing the sand through the hands metaphor/simile with something a little more specific to the theme, i.e. a playwrite's metaphor for time (perhaps something about a curtain call or the final curtain, etc.)

Hi true,
well, I must be doing something right...you have got the general idea. I don't do complicated/obscure. The red hands/sands bit failed. I hoped to work in the "caught red handed" thing as a culpable excuse for all the idiosyncrasies of old age but didn't put enough meat on it. I will.
Best,
tectak

---

(11-07-2013, 08:41 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  

(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote:  Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out, exit stage left,
and credence left on cue,
this play has gone from bad to worse.

tectak
2012

Heavens to Murgatrod; exit stage left Snagglepus! If I wrote this, you might just beat me with the cliché stick! In all seriousness, there is a lot to like herein. The pun in the title, the sardonic wit throughout and some good lines. I especially like the opener. I did hit a small bump in the second line. However, I think with some alternate line breaks and punctuation it may be alright. I will restructure it as I read it below:

Say what you wish,
now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticize,
for time we squeeze, in touching hands,
must not slip free to run like sands,
through fingers bent and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out;
exit stage left,
and credence left on cue.

I want to stop here, although I see that you want to tie in the theater metaphor.

Maybe: This play has run its course. (to take advantage of the triple meaning, as in a disease running its course, the playing ending and life itself being over.)

See what you think. This is me loving it. /Chris

Thanks chris.
The final metaphor is the safety curtain! Yes, you have set me off again. Edit coming...but I keep the last line. There is ALWAYS an encore...no matter how bad the play!
Best,
tectak

Quote:Hi true,
well, I must be doing something right...you have got the general idea. I don't do complicated/obscure. The red hands/sands bit failed. I hoped to work in the "caught red handed" thing as a culpable excuse for all the idiosyncrasies of old age but didn't put enough meat on it. I will.
Best,
tectak

I know that you do not "do complicated/obscure". What I don't know is why you felt the need to mention it?

(11-08-2013, 10:04 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

Quote:Hi true,
well, I must be doing something right...you have got the general idea. I don't do complicated/obscure. The red hands/sands bit failed. I hoped to work in the "caught red handed" thing as a culpable excuse for all the idiosyncrasies of old age but didn't put enough meat on it. I will.
Best,
tectak

I know that you do not "do complicated/obscure". What I don't know is why you felt the need to mention it?

Well...it's complicated.....

(11-08-2013, 04:32 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(11-08-2013, 10:04 AM)trueenigma Wrote:  

Quote:Hi true,
well, I must be doing something right...you have got the general idea. I don't do complicated/obscure. The red hands/sands bit failed. I hoped to work in the "caught red handed" thing as a culpable excuse for all the idiosyncrasies of old age but didn't put enough meat on it. I will.
Best,
tectak

I know that you do not "do complicated/obscure". What I don't know is why you felt the need to mention it?

Well...it's complicated.....

(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote:  Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze For me, both 'say what you wish' and 'I will not speak to criticise' don't add much meaning to the poem. I think the first three lines can be streamlined.
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red. Maybe rephrase to 'through bent fingers, swollen red'?
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth,
since youth bowed out, exit stage left,
and credence left on cue,
this play has gone from bad to worse. The last five lines I think are very good: I like the theatre-imagery and the fact that it's to the point. The last line might be a bit too onvious though, maybe try to state this with some more subtlety.

tectak
2012

Hello Tom,

I enjoyed reading your poem, I think the beginning could use some work though. I hope my feedback is of any use to you.

All best,
Jan