11-07-2013, 07:28 AM
(11-07-2013, 05:22 AM)tectak Wrote: Say what you wish, now we're alone
inside our common dread.
I will not speak to criticise, for time we squeeze
in touching hands must not slip free
to run like sands, through fingers bent
and swollen red.
I say so little anymore,
of consequence or worth, You need a semi colon either here,
since youth bowed out, or here, to help me parse this. exit stage left, the stage direction note (exit stage left) should be either in italics, or parenthesis. Unless you're saying youth bowed out and exited stage left.
and credence left on cue, I like this.
this play has gone from bad to worse. This is dipping too closely to melodramatic and cliche. Bring some fresh language into the last line. You don't have to prove it in saying it.
tectak
2012
This is a nice little piece of introspection. I'd say that you should replace "exit stage left" with something less generic, perhaps even esoteric, from the world of actors, directors, and playwrites. If you're up for the challenge, I'd also suggest replacing the sand through the hands metaphor/simile with something a little more specific to the theme, i.e. a playwrite's metaphor for time (perhaps something about a curtain call or the final curtain, etc.)