Sacrifice

[tectak]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5
Hi chris,
One of the vice-versa genre which switches meaning constantly, like one of those optical illusions where you can't tell which way it rotates. I read the original. A candle. Not difficult at all. A brand new candle...in a candle holder. White.Thin. End of interpretation for this reader.... but hang on. Is that it? I mean, it IS enough. But no. You are going all complicated...was it too easy? Too easy for you, I mean So. Crit on the poem as is.
Sacrifice

Standing white Standing? It is not the best modifier for white...or waif.
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, semi colon here would help the caesura cut from description to prediction.
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre....but what a good stanza

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe This is going to get andy. Period after neck,then:
"Holding a match
to her face
we observe
her quivering shadows
scampering across the wall.
They dart like tongues
over our nakedness." Your poem. Not every ing is a gerund. Look for drama everytime.

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, "ever so"? Hmmmm.


asphyxiate.
...but hell, it is a cutey. Well done. Amazing what you can do with a candle...well, not you. Harrrumph.
Best,
tectak

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

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original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,


asphyxiate.