Sacrifice

[Truerenigma]

tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We seize
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observeI would marry this to either the above stanza or below stanza.
her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps waxen tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly, I would remove "ever so", and combine the final two lines.

asphyxiate.


tigr/jdier edit 2/version 2.5[/size] Thanks again

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original

Sacrifice

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic,
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garotte
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observe

her quivering shadows
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,

asphyxiate.

Whoo. Great stuff. Some strange line and stanza breaks though.