Sacrifice

[ChristopherSea]

Standing white
as a waif,
feminine, yet phallic, This penis image sets me up for questions later
the willowy virgin awaits
forfeiture’s pyre.

We garrote I wasn't familiar with this death device and had to look it up. I assume it is acceptable to use as a verb
her pallid neck;
hold a lit match
to her face

and observethis line by itself is good. -pause, suspense

her quivering shadows she has more than one shadow?
scamper across the wall
and dart like tongues
over our nakedness.quivering..tongues..nakedness.-started the wheels turning on my dirty-thoughts bus

She weeps hot tears;
we secrete our liquefied spirits,
as pearly drops,
then watch her,


ever so slowly,more well-timed suspense


asphyxiate.and a punch at the end.. followed by an immediate thought "ohh does he mean...?"

I'm trying desperately to find a meaning for the last 6 lines that doesn't set me up as a pervert. Liquefied spirits could mean alcohol. You had to be drunk to kill her, sweating pearly drops, and she was strangled by the garrote. But no, you're naked, the shadow tongues, and the "phallic" description earlier... I know what she asphyxiated on.
I think this was constructed very well and I'm sorry that I can't really find anything I would want to change. I'm equally disturbed and titillated. So thanks for that - Jenn

Jenn, thanks so much for being brave enough to be the first one to take a stab at this poem! It is pretty much a riddle and your critique is very helpful for the next edit. Although, I liked the word garrote, I realize it is too strong a word for this piece (I was implying a lesser definition), although it goes well with asphyxiate in the close, which also has multiple meanings. There's nothing perverted in your impressions, as there are two lovers herein and their liquefied spirits are the secretions of love. One big clue to the virgin waif's identity (the third party who is sacrificed) resides in the fact that the sacrificial lamb in the poem is not living. I'll be making some edits based on your helpful feedback. It's most appreciated!/Chris

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jdeirmend, you really have some great insights into the use and strength of the metaphor! Much obliged for your time and impressions. Originally, I had 'she weeps hot waxen tears.' I thought it might give away what the sacrifice was too obviously. Should I add it back?
Whoops, what happened to your excellent interpretation?