08-21-2013, 09:45 AM
Hi lukeJones,
It seems to me that the structure or construction of many of the lines are awkward, for the sake of the rhymes.
For instance:
"Cold and pale, she was lying there
Eyes to the sky, at nothing she stares"
could be
She was lying there, cold and pale,
her eyes to the sky, staring at nothing.
But then it'd mess up the rhyme. You could either try without the rhymes, or you could experiment with different rhymes, till you find some that doesn't sacrifice the structure or meaning of some of the lines.
JMHO.
It seems to me that the structure or construction of many of the lines are awkward, for the sake of the rhymes.
For instance:
"Cold and pale, she was lying there
Eyes to the sky, at nothing she stares"
could be
She was lying there, cold and pale,
her eyes to the sky, staring at nothing.
But then it'd mess up the rhyme. You could either try without the rhymes, or you could experiment with different rhymes, till you find some that doesn't sacrifice the structure or meaning of some of the lines.
JMHO.