alejandra (1st edit)

[jr_jeremiah]

how can words state your beauty?
how can minds explain my song?
why must fate be so unruly?
and why must hearts lead us wrong?

did you know what you were doing?
did you know it all along?
just a fool fit for your musing,
was i? extranjero soon gone?

how should i then write my verses?
should i feign a calm resolve?
could i forget what this earth is?
forget the sound of adam’s fall?

were you happy in that moment?
were those doubts for a second hung?
was it lust? a liquor more potent
you had tasted on your tongue?

and how the hell do they live?
these others – do they not know?
did they never their souls give?
do they worship another? why so?

is there anything left for me?
or does this void consume men whole?
with the defeated i now march
reliving memories, alone.

You must not post in this forum without giving sensible critique to others. Please read the forum rules. This poem is moved to novice.

[Leanne]

Just a friendly reminder to please read the site rules before posting -- you can't post in Serious Workshopping or other critique forums until you've left a few substantial critiques around the place. For the time being, I've moved this to miscellaneous. If in the future you wish for it to be moved back, please PM a moderator/ admin.

[jr_jeremiah]

My sincerest apologies. I have only recently started dabbling in poetry and was anxious to receive some feedback. I will be sure to leave some critiques when I get the time to.

kind regards
-jr

[rowens]

The rhymes don't make up for most of the filler lines you use. They take most of the power out of what you're trying to say.

[jdguyb]

the rhymes seem forced, especially "forget the sound of Adam's fall"

[ScurryFunger]

how can words state your beauty?
how can minds explain my song?
why must fate be so unruly?
and why must hearts lead us wrong?

did you know what you were doing?
did you know it all along?
just a fool fit for your musing,
was i? extranjero soon gone?

how should i then write my verses?
should i feign a calm resolve?
could i forget what this earth is?
forget the sound of adam’s fall?

were you happy in that moment?
were those doubts for a second hung?
was it lust? a liquor more potent
you had tasted on your tongue?

and how the hell do they live?
these others – do they not know?
did they never their souls give?
do they worship another? why so?

is there anything left for me?
or does this void consume men whole?
with the defeated i now march
reliving memories, alone.

you should write your verse without all those question marks, that's how.

[ChristopherSea]

There are too many queiries in this poem. Cap your lines and those 'i's, as they look silly. You have partial punctuation. Why put all of the question marks in and miss critical commas after 'potent' and 'march'. There are some awkward lines using what some refer to as 'Yoda speak' (e.g. 'a liquor more potent, you had tasted on your tongue?' and 'with the defeated, I now march' and 'were those doubts for a second hung?'). You need to give feedback, if you want it from others.