Kinesics (Edit 1,5)

[Volaticus]

Hi vol,
Of course I came back to it! Excellent edit. You could tinker with the thing forever but to no great advantage. It is cooked.
My only very small nit is S2 L4 where the word "telling"is actually without a subject...or rather appears to imply talking tics
Best,
tectak

Thanks for coming back to this, tectac, and thanks for your very kind comments. I put a lot of work into this edit, so I'm glad that you like it. Thanks for pointing out the problem with the 2nd stanza. I'll sort that out.
My best,
Louise

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a big improvement Louise.

for me the 1st stanza is much better. i'm with tom as to [the small tics...] i also like the edit elsewhere in the poem, specially the last stanza. i don't think it was me thinking the lighter flicker was a guy. i think the whole poem bar the last stanza is male oriented the last stanza instantly make the reader take stock of what they just read and force themselves to make it work....and it does work well. great edit.

Hi billy, thank you very much for your kind words, I'm glad to hear you think it's improved. At first, I really hadn't realized that the stanzas (except the last) seemed male oriented, but I clearly see what you mean when I think of it. I'm glad to hear you think it works.
My best,
Louise

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Volaticus,
Wow! Your edit transformed your poem from a good one to a great one in my mind! I appreciate the way you removed the number sequences in the first stanza that, for me, diverted my immersion into your poem. I also appreciate replacing "shining" eyes with "avoiding" eyes; I think it much better conveys the impression you are trying to create of your poem's subject. The edit reads smoother for me with the revised line structure ... but the kicker that puts it over the top is your ending-edit; the "radiating affirmation of our silent unity" ... excellent, emotionally provocative word crafting. Very nice.
fim

Hi fim,
I want to thank you very much for your comments and your kind words. I am especially happy that you like the ending. I struggled with it for hours and hours, so it means a lot to hear that it worked for you.
Thanks so much.
My best,
Louise

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I made some small changes in S2. I hope it reads better now.