Kinesics (Edit 1,5)

[fim]

Edit 1
Thanks to a lot of helpful and appreciated feedback.


I notice how you struggle to fire up any one
of your many worn out lighters,
flicking them rapidly when you're angry
and only this release can tame you.

I've learned what they mean:
small tics around your dimples
which appear as you smile,
telling me one of your cellophane lies.

I see the tremble on your dry lips,
twitches in the corners of your avoiding eyes,
when you halfheartedly bury your sadness
under cliches, or strained smooth-talking.

I watch you twirl across the floor,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips
and you float serenely towards me,
soothing my mind with your emerald eyes:
radiating affirmation of our silent unity.


Original

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s -
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

Volaticus,
Wow! Your edit transformed your poem from a good one to a great one in my mind! I appreciate the way you removed the number sequences in the first stanza that, for me, diverted my immersion into your poem. I also appreciate replacing "shining" eyes with "avoiding" eyes; I think it much better conveys the impression you are trying to create of your poem's subject. The edit reads smoother for me with the revised line structure ... but the kicker that puts it over the top is your ending-edit; the "radiating affirmation of our silent unity" ... excellent, emotionally provocative word crafting. Very nice.
fim