08-19-2013, 09:06 AM
Hi Vol,
This is a good poem, imo. I mean by the quality of the observations, and it's with working on a bit more.
I agree with most of Tom's comments, but I see you were asking for additional help and I'm not sure if he'll get to it (he's probably busy flaying some poor newb in novice, mods are petty busy on this rambunctious site.)
So, in relation to his comments:
In the end of S1 I would suggest something like "and only this release can tame you", which would also fit your use of suggestive language.
To start S2 you don't need both adjectives, which is what he means by "modifiers". Poetry is all about nouns and verbs, and too many adjectives weaken the language. You could drop "vague" as it doesn't do much at all for the line.
Add far as the line breaks. Try using one breath per line, while keeping the breaks on nouns and verbs.
I like the poem, and don't have much more to add.
Thanks for sharing.
I like turning the lighter on, but you might try fire, or flame.
This is a good poem, imo. I mean by the quality of the observations, and it's with working on a bit more.
I agree with most of Tom's comments, but I see you were asking for additional help and I'm not sure if he'll get to it (he's probably busy flaying some poor newb in novice, mods are petty busy on this rambunctious site.)
So, in relation to his comments:
In the end of S1 I would suggest something like "and only this release can tame you", which would also fit your use of suggestive language.
To start S2 you don't need both adjectives, which is what he means by "modifiers". Poetry is all about nouns and verbs, and too many adjectives weaken the language. You could drop "vague" as it doesn't do much at all for the line.
Add far as the line breaks. Try using one breath per line, while keeping the breaks on nouns and verbs.
I like the poem, and don't have much more to add.
Thanks for sharing.
I like turning the lighter on, but you might try fire, or flame.