Kinesics (Edit 1,5)

[Volaticus]

I notice how you struggle to turn on any one Not the usual description for making a lighter work. "...struggle to ignite any one.." but it is obviously avoidance of light/lighter
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - this dash does nothing
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you. not clear. Do you mean only the release of anger can tame you?

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, You could lose one of the modifiers in this line.
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. The line breaks add nothing to your words...in fact, if you feel the the need to use line breaks as a poetic device you may reconsider the wisdom of this as is.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little
white lies. Great observation now becoming diminished by the line breaks. Random almost

I watch as you twirl and twirl around,
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips - Again the dash. Why is it here?
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I do not know what all this mirroring and illuminating is about. I get a dire feeling I have missed a very obscure point...that should not bother me except when wearing the crit-cap. So it does. See end

Hi vol,
Only rarely do I find it more important to comment on the cameo rather than on the correctness, as I see it, of the execution. I have read and reread this piece hoping to get in to the psyche of the character but something pushes me out. I think I know what it is. There is a dark thread of confused sexuality in the weave. I cannot "get" the relationship between the first and third party established. Please note that I am commenting ON THE POEM when I ask if this is a lesbian lover's lament?
The cigarette lighter flicking generates a masculine image in my mind so that the swirling skirt came as an interesting twist.
If I am wrong I cannot excuse my interpretation as it is what it is. Does it affect the poetry? No, I think not, but it may be more potent to clarify which way this one hangs by intent rather than by innuendo...deliberate or not.
Best,
tectak

Hi tectak,
First of all, thanks a lot for your helpful feedback, I really appreciate it and I will consider all of it, when I begin my edit (hopefully soon). You’ve given me a lot of good points to think about.

I didn’t try to use the line breaks as a poetical device, more like making them match the rhythm I had of it in my head. But I do see your point with the breaks seeming quite random in places. I’ll try to make the them more sensible in my edit.

Thanks for pointing out that the dashes don’t work.

I used “turn on” in the first line, to make a hint of something sexual/sensual right from the beginning. If it’s not a correct thing to say, please do tell me. I still struggle a lot with English phrases (idioms?).

I knew, already before posting the poem, that is seemed somewhat unclear and had some loose ends. I’ve worked on it and edited for hours and hours until I got to the point where I needed some help. The line about the anger in S1: I meant, that the you’s anger only can be tamed, with the release the you’s anger, in this case though clicking a lighter franticly in 7/8s. Whereas the 4/4s is a more mild kind of anger. Meant as a comparison to music, where 7/8s often have a more aggressive feel than 4/4s. Do you have any suggestions to how I can make it more clear?

The last two lines.. I meant that the narrator, just from looking at the life in the you’s eyes, feels enlivened. That the you has a positive radiance about her, that instantly affects the narrator positively.
I see I also need to make their relationship more clear. In my head, I had an image this couple (two girls), one more passive and observing (the narrator of course) and one more expressive and lively. So I wanted to convey how the you is being observed silently by the devoted narrator who notices everything about the you. And I wanted to show, how the you enlivens the more passive narrator just from the spark in her eyes. Two very different people, that benefits from each others' differences. Any suggestions on how to clarify that part?

Thanks a bunch once again.

All my best,
Louise

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A fine opening line. I've no idea what is meant by 4/4, 7/8 in this context.
stiff, smooth talking - can speech be both stiff and smooth?

when they appear as you smile, - I'd suggest "which appear"

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, - no need for "as".

I was liking the first 3 verses. I found the last verse flat and disappointing, almost disconnected from the remainder.

Hi ray,
Thanks a lot for your feedback.
4/4s and 7/8s are musical terms.

About the stiff smooth talking: smooth talking is smooth talking. But in awkward situations, I think it can sound rather stiff, bordering on fake, while still being smooth talking with the words being said. I can see how ‘stiff’ and ‘smooth’ would contradict each other normally though. I’ll have to give this some thought.

I like your suggestions and will consider them all in my edit. And I’ll see if I can make the last stanza more connected with the rest. Thanks again.

My best,
LB

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I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I like the hint of sexual scorn with 'struggle to turn on'
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously I wonder if the word 'clicking' here could be replaced with something a little more vivid, violent, exciting - 'snapping' maybe. Also with the introduction of music as metaphor below, you could consider replacing 'unconsciously' with 'metronomically': it suggests endless repetition and a guise of order, both of which I think are central aspects of your poem
in 4/4s - I like the introduction of musical metre here, but agree with the former comment that the dash is doing nothing: however, I think the instinct to put the dash in (to accompany the musical ref. with a sense of halting or lurching) is very good - rather than take it out, why not experiment with doing more with it?
or 7/8s
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips,
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes, I feel that 'shiny eyes' is a bit boring - I'm more interested in the corners, why don't you see if placing an adjective there instead of before 'eyes' would make the description more compelling?
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches Contrary to another comment, I like the line break here: it draws attention to the visual rhyme of 'twitches' and 'cliches' - almost working on paper, failing once voiced. I'd say to keep it - it strengthens the sense of the 'you' attempting to disguise sadness, but the disguise failing to function.
or stiff, smooth talking.

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little Not a fan of the line break here - if you did this as a four line stanza the intrusion of a sense of metrical fluency would support the mention of 'little white lies'
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, Maybe subsitute the first 'twirl' for 'swirl'?
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor,
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine. I didn't like these last two lines, I'm sorry. Like 'shiny eyes' above, I feel that 'bright eyes' is a bit commonplace and cliché. Overall, I think the final stanza is the weakest - perhaps you could try an alternative which sustains the sense of distance and isolation, rather than the ocular affinity you have now?

I quite like this, and think it has potential! But perhaps try some alternatives - not just word substitutions or different punctuation: explore how the poem turns out if you decide it will end with distance rather than closeness, and really interrogate the space between the two people in this poem. Good luck with working at it, and hope some of these comments are helpful - they are, of course, just my opinion!

Hi EileenGreay,
Thanks so much for your comments, they were indeed helpful.
I will consider all of them in my edit, as I think you’ve come with some great suggestions I hadn’t thought of myself.
Thanks so much again, I appreciate you taking the time.
Best,
LB

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I notice how you struggle to turn on any one I really like this line a lot. It has a sexual appeal, the "turn on" does that for you. Really like it.
of your many worn out lighters,
clicking them unconsciously
in 4/4s - I think you could lose this line
or 7/8sand this one as well
when you're angry,
and only anger can tame you.

I see the vague tremble on your dry lips, I think you could lose vague, I don't think it adds much
and the twitches
in the corners of your shiny eyes,
when you try to hide your sadness
under cliches
or stiff, smooth talking. Using both stiff and smooth confuses me. Can something be both?

I've learned what they mean:
the small tics around your dimples
when they appear as you smile,
telling me one of your little I don't think you need a break here.
white lies.

I watch as you twirl and twirl around, I don't think using "twirl" twice is very effective, I would say "I watch as you twirl around" or even just "I watch you twirl around"
the motion lifting your skirt
just above your hips -
and you float
lightly across the floor, I think I would end the poem here. The last two lines do nothing for me.
mirroring bright eyes
to illuminate mine.

I think this is a great start. There is a lot of nice imagery here. I really enjoyed the read. My suggestions are just my opinions to be used or disregarded at will. Overall this is a great start. I am curious, just like tectak though. So, I will be waiting for your response to him. Doesn't change the poem at all though, whatever the meaning. I'll enjoy it either way.

Hi TheWall0912,
I’d like to thank you for taking the time to give feedback, it is much appreciated and helpful.
About the stiff and smooth.. I explained it in my answer to ray, I hope it makes more sense then.
Thanks for your kind words and I will consider all your helpful suggestions in my edit.
My best,
Louise