06-28-2013, 10:11 AM
(06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. "on, not upon"The repetition is inspired and very effective. Overall, this is a draft to be sure, but once you are done, this may end up being the poem I like the best from you.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed. skipping the article before bathroom doesn't work. Also, why not just "bathroom door"?
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby. "greedily" feels like the wrong word but you do need something there.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing. it is not mine, but if it was I would eliminate "by" for a period - "hair swept. awkward winds. Breathing
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. "You breasts like uncared for kittens" is fucking awesome!!!
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep. "plugged in to mp3" is awkward
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013