06-02-2013, 04:30 AM
Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But… what am I? - Does this need the triple stop?
Bones, muscles, blood, vessels;
Veins, joints, chemicals, cells.
Words, thoughts, dreams and hopes. - I like this but I think it might work better in sets of three i.e Bones, muscle, blood/Veins, joints, cells/Thoughts, hopes and dreams (words beneath the skin?)
Four micrograms of dreams,
Still and overdose, it seems. -an?
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams. - "My love beams" sounds a little weird to me and the meter stumbles a bit in the third line
And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.
Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggering the sorrow… should I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity conformed, too, by my regrets. - confirmed? Meter is thrown off by the word triggering (triggers sorrow;pay my debts)
And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts, what it provokes. - Grammar is a little off here, could use a colon after revolting guts
Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone and I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
…And I will fade away, what remains will be my essence. - Once again the meter is a little weird in this, a bit wordy
I enjoyed this, it could use some tightening up and some words could be cut but you have the basis of a good poem here.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But… what am I? - Does this need the triple stop?
Bones, muscles, blood, vessels;
Veins, joints, chemicals, cells.
Words, thoughts, dreams and hopes. - I like this but I think it might work better in sets of three i.e Bones, muscle, blood/Veins, joints, cells/Thoughts, hopes and dreams (words beneath the skin?)
Four micrograms of dreams,
Still and overdose, it seems. -an?
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams. - "My love beams" sounds a little weird to me and the meter stumbles a bit in the third line
And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.
Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggering the sorrow… should I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity conformed, too, by my regrets. - confirmed? Meter is thrown off by the word triggering (triggers sorrow;pay my debts)
And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts, what it provokes. - Grammar is a little off here, could use a colon after revolting guts
Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone and I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
…And I will fade away, what remains will be my essence. - Once again the meter is a little weird in this, a bit wordy
I enjoyed this, it could use some tightening up and some words could be cut but you have the basis of a good poem here.