Poetry Forum

Hi there! This is my first post here, I hope you guys like it. Any feedback will be completely appreciated. Thanks for your time reading this! And again, I hope you guys like it

Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But… what am I?

Bones, muscles, blood, vessels;
Veins, joints, chemicals, cells.
Words, thoughts, dreams and hopes.

Four micrograms of dreams,
Still and overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams.

And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.

Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggering the sorrow… should I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity conformed, too, by my regrets.

And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts, what it provokes.

Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone and I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
…And I will fade away, what remains will be my essence.

Ok, so here goes the first edition of this. I corrected the typos and the little I could. I will be glad to read any more feedback, suggestions and critiques

Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But what am I?

Bones, muscles, blood;
Veins, joints, cells.
Thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Four micrograms of dreams,
Still an overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams. ( I couldn't find how to improve this part. Sorry)

And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.

Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggers the sorrow… will I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity confirmed, too, by my regrets.

And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts: what it provokes.

Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone
And I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
And I will fade away
...What remains will be my essence.

Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But… what am I? - Does this need the triple stop?

Bones, muscles, blood, vessels;
Veins, joints, chemicals, cells.
Words, thoughts, dreams and hopes. - I like this but I think it might work better in sets of three i.e Bones, muscle, blood/Veins, joints, cells/Thoughts, hopes and dreams (words beneath the skin?)

Four micrograms of dreams,
Still and overdose, it seems. -an?
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams. - "My love beams" sounds a little weird to me and the meter stumbles a bit in the third line

And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.

Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggering the sorrow… should I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity conformed, too, by my regrets. - confirmed? Meter is thrown off by the word triggering (triggers sorrow;pay my debts)

And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts, what it provokes. - Grammar is a little off here, could use a colon after revolting guts

Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone and I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
…And I will fade away, what remains will be my essence. - Once again the meter is a little weird in this, a bit wordy

I enjoyed this, it could use some tightening up and some words could be cut but you have the basis of a good poem here.

Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But… what am I? This stanza for me doesn't state anything that we don't know. I'd cut it out, it doesn't add much

Bones, muscles, blood, vessels;
Veins, joints, chemicals, cells.
Words, thoughts, dreams and hopes.

Four micrograms of dreams,
Still and overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on dreaming, by any means,
For in my dreams, just for you, my love beams. The rhymes you have started here sound like Yoda talking because you're trying to force a rhyme in. I'd cut out the rhyme altogether, you didn't use it earlier on, no reason to start now

And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true. Same as previous stanza

Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggering the sorrow… should I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity conformed, too, by my regrets.

And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
Still, in my hopes, my faith it chokes.
Revolting guts, what it provokes. Same rhyming problem

Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone and I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
…And I will fade away, what remains will be my essence.

I haven't gone fully in to depth because it's in novice, but personally, I'd just get rid of the rhymes. Rhyming doesn't always make a poem any better, and in a lot of poems, makes it worse. I don't in any way think this poem is bad - I love your imagery, and the tone. Just try revising it without so much emphasis on rhyming.

Thanks Catcherin! I've already made the corrections you suggested. I couldn't find how to improve one part, sorry. Thank you for your feedback

---

Thank you for your suggestions, UnicornRainbowCake. I didn't do much but I think I have gotten rid of Yoda in there hahaha. I didn't know how to fix the stanzas, sorry. Let me know what you think of it now

Below the skin: Flesh.
Below the flesh: What I am.
But what am I?

Bones, muscles, blood;
Veins, joints, cells.
Thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Four micrograms of dreams,
Still an overdose, it seems.
Gotta keep on with my dreams.
That is one place where my love beams.

And that is what I am too:
Dreams of love, about me and you.
Sometimes they make me blue.
Blues is what I am, that’s true.

Fear crawling in my depths,
Triggers the sorrow… will I pay my debts?
My ancient fathers gave me a new tomorrow.
My identity confirmed, too, by my regrets.

And don’t mess with my hopes,
Can’t you see they’ve torn off their ropes?
In my hopes, my faith chokes.
Revolting guts: what it provokes.

Impatiently patient, I come from the ancients.
Like them too, as the smoke of the incense,
The day will come when my breathing ceases;
When I, as a “whole”, will be gone
And I’m left just to pieces,
I will stop being a physical presence
And I will fade away
...What remains will be my essence.

Hi again Sam,

it is a definite improvement - it's starting to really take shape. There's just a few lines that I was focusing on (I probably rambled on and wasn't very clear) that you could swop the words around a bit:

- Still an overdose, it seems.
-Blues is what I am, that’s true.

Otherwise I have no more critique, it's a lovely poem

Ok, so what do you think of this change:

As little as it is, still an overdose.
It's true, the Blues defines me too.

What do you think of it now? If you think it still needs more changes to improve it let me know Thank you!