05-05-2013, 12:36 PM
Hey Zerric,
I really like this poem. The repetition of the word lonely was risky but I think effective (repetition builds belief right?, you really pounded in my head how lonely you are). I like the use of the road and the sky and ahead and behind, it shows how completely surrounded by loneliness you are.
My advice (take lightly): Line 6 is a little weird when reading, the 'IS what IS' throws it off a little to me. Maybe a rephrase? like
A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what I'm always told
This lonely road will be my home,
A home colder than stone..
Just making it up but I think there may be a smoother orientation you can use (Sorry I am not very technical). I think this could be the same for line 10 as well. Lastly, in the second stanza you sound apathetically sad towards love and also in the fourth stanza, but in the third you sound slightly feisty or angry at the situation. If I am interpreting that correctly, I feel like you have a good opportunity to make a stronger argument or show more anger (maybe another stanza about issues you have with people's advice or something).
Let me know if this helps! Again, I really like this poem. Love can suck!
I really like this poem. The repetition of the word lonely was risky but I think effective (repetition builds belief right?, you really pounded in my head how lonely you are). I like the use of the road and the sky and ahead and behind, it shows how completely surrounded by loneliness you are.
My advice (take lightly): Line 6 is a little weird when reading, the 'IS what IS' throws it off a little to me. Maybe a rephrase? like
A lonely road is travelled alone,
Is what I'm always told
This lonely road will be my home,
A home colder than stone..
Just making it up but I think there may be a smoother orientation you can use (Sorry I am not very technical). I think this could be the same for line 10 as well. Lastly, in the second stanza you sound apathetically sad towards love and also in the fourth stanza, but in the third you sound slightly feisty or angry at the situation. If I am interpreting that correctly, I feel like you have a good opportunity to make a stronger argument or show more anger (maybe another stanza about issues you have with people's advice or something).
Let me know if this helps! Again, I really like this poem. Love can suck!