05-03-2013, 04:18 PM
Hi, I cannot find the right word to express what i feel here. "Like" or "enjoyed" would be wrong. I found that it spoke to me at a deep level and I had a sort of resonance of sadness for those I have known in this position or similar. I think you managed to express a voice on a difficult subject, for the many who are conflicted and wrestle within because of life and overall I think it was nicely done.
I don't have that much crit but here's my thoughts so far.
I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp; Like all of the above but I want to put a full stop after scalp and Have the last line of this stanza a sentance or even a stand alone line.
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch. For me it is the "I want to punch" that draws this stanza together and forms the jump into the next. I love this line. It is a great connection back to the first line and gives the whole poem energy and ...well punch!
"Me too" I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred, I did not think (after the word punch) that the use of "tear" was a strong enough word to carry the next line. However I really like the emotion of a ripping gulf of internal emotion so not sure i have any suggestion at the mo.
"I'm gay, like you". But there's something about you
that's so sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance, Really like the use of touchy-ness
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like some demented bitch. I get it, but not sure about the use of demented bitch - would perfer an image with less obvious direct connect here.
I had to get some air. Standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark, Vacuous dark is fab here...I just love to use vacuous, what a great multi tasking word. I get dismissive contempt and draining, sucking (nice link to above for me) void
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you. Predictable, but in a good way. A nice twist on the subject - ties up the purpose and heart of the poem voice - well done
Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this. Good end lines, esp with the repition of the lick / licking referance.
[/quote]
A good read and a nice job on a good subject.
All the best AJ.
I don't have that much crit but here's my thoughts so far.
I sense my father's dumb, outdated homophobia rising in me
when I look at you: shameless, sexually aggressive slut,
flame of blond hair
through an ennui of scalp; Like all of the above but I want to put a full stop after scalp and Have the last line of this stanza a sentance or even a stand alone line.
you tremble with a narcissism I just want to punch. For me it is the "I want to punch" that draws this stanza together and forms the jump into the next. I love this line. It is a great connection back to the first line and gives the whole poem energy and ...well punch!
"Me too" I think, alone in this tear between self and hatred, I did not think (after the word punch) that the use of "tear" was a strong enough word to carry the next line. However I really like the emotion of a ripping gulf of internal emotion so not sure i have any suggestion at the mo.
"I'm gay, like you". But there's something about you
that's so sickening; your touchy-ness, your arrogance, Really like the use of touchy-ness
that stupid and pandering way you give every word
a second meaning, almost sucking your fingers
like some demented bitch. I get it, but not sure about the use of demented bitch - would perfer an image with less obvious direct connect here.
I had to get some air. Standing alone on the porch of the pub,
as signs still glowed in a vacuous dark, Vacuous dark is fab here...I just love to use vacuous, what a great multi tasking word. I get dismissive contempt and draining, sucking (nice link to above for me) void
I leaned against a rail and wanted to be somewhere warm,
without you. Predictable, but in a good way. A nice twist on the subject - ties up the purpose and heart of the poem voice - well done
Gay men still scare me, I think,
and a shudder licks my heart as I type this. Good end lines, esp with the repition of the lick / licking referance.
[/quote]
A good read and a nice job on a good subject.
All the best AJ.