Hi, welcome to the site! Usually (note the qualifier), poems like this give me hives. I do think though that you could make this into a pretty good poem. You've gotten some good advice already. I particular think Amy's have every strophe add something new is something you really need to keep in mind. Here are some additional things to think about.
Consider adding a title to pull some of the repetition from the poem. Here's a possible example:
Title: You Yelled at Her
Here's what that would immediately accomplish:
When she was six
She cried
and couldn't be comforted.
When she was eight
for not having proper etiquette.
She cried again,
and tried to be what you wanted.
Not saying that's a perfect choice. It's good to do editing in layers so it doesn't seem overwhelming. The next thing I would look at doing is increasing your show versus tell content in the poem.
Look at your first two strophes, you tell us that she "couldn't be comforted", or didn't have proper etiquette, or again she "tried to be what you wanted." Can you hear how vague that is? How distant? If you included specific details to show us what those things look like. Or if you added imagery (like when Wordsworth writes, "I wandered lonely as a cloud") it would make us emotionally connect better.
Does that make sense. It doesn't have to be a lot of words.
Specific detail (not necessarily graphic) and imagery will help to bring this out.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
Consider adding a title to pull some of the repetition from the poem. Here's a possible example:
Title: You Yelled at Her
Here's what that would immediately accomplish:
When she was six
She cried
and couldn't be comforted.
When she was eight
for not having proper etiquette.
She cried again,
and tried to be what you wanted.
Not saying that's a perfect choice. It's good to do editing in layers so it doesn't seem overwhelming. The next thing I would look at doing is increasing your show versus tell content in the poem.
Look at your first two strophes, you tell us that she "couldn't be comforted", or didn't have proper etiquette, or again she "tried to be what you wanted." Can you hear how vague that is? How distant? If you included specific details to show us what those things look like. Or if you added imagery (like when Wordsworth writes, "I wandered lonely as a cloud") it would make us emotionally connect better.
Does that make sense. It doesn't have to be a lot of words.
Specific detail (not necessarily graphic) and imagery will help to bring this out.
I hope some of that helps.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson