Balcony Scene

[MissAddy]

Mustn’t forget. Mustn’t forget although the smiles it brings are guilty and its pleasure is colored with culpability. Still take it down. Take it all down.

Beautiful balcony scene. The tips of my toes on the steps, leaning down to look at him looking up at me. A game. Rustling leaves and laughter as he hides from me in branches.

Unaffected words, unconscious wooing. The space between us contains fifteen years, but his eyes are like a boy’s, and they tell me I am a woman now.

I take a picture: his eyes shockingly blue and his mouth almost smiling. This is what I will keep, you radiant, you gentle Boy Who Is Not A Boy. This is where I will dare to love you.

[Leanne]

It's rare that I see a piece written in this manner that I instantly like. This is that piece. You have matched subject and style very well. The only line I would suggest changing at this point is "The space between us contains fifteen years" -- this is a little bit awkward. Perhaps simply "Fifteen years of space between us".

Otherwise, this is some very good writing. The Romeo and Juliet allusion is well handled, not overdone. Nice work!

[shemthepenman]

leanne has said it all... i would reiterate "the between us contains fifteen years" is out of place, and 'fifteen years of space between us' works better. I must confess, I love Shakespeare [guilty as charged] and reading this piece is great.

[MissAddy]

I don't know what the protocol is on sites like this, but thank you for your kind that thoughtful responses.

[Leanne]

Thank you is always good protocol

Welcome!

[billy]

the words are excellent. the image of a young girl leaning over the balcony was picture perfect. for me the extra long line length took a little from the whole enjoyment of the read. (but not too much ) i wonder if BOY WHO IS NOT A BOY would be less of shout but just as visible if it were italicised in lower case

good solid read

welcome to the site.