When My Body Has Had Enough (EDITED)

[corawrites]

Still working on this, please let me know what I need to improve on

REVISED
Lessons learned are loyal ghosts
Childhood teachings chill the marrow
An infinity accessible by humanity
It haunts quietly, enduringly

When these bodies have had enough
And we are vomited from that temple
In which we spent a lifetime of sacrilege

Will we live out the eulogies we whisper so hopefully?
A place no ugliness can touch
Where those who have left are reunited with us?

A holy being
Flesh forever burning
A clockwork orange with a shining halo
A miserable martyr with an invalid excuse

If I could truly believe
What I've been incanting so many sleepless nights:
That it all simply went dark
Would my eyelids close easily with peace?

We work an entire lifetime, experience sorrow and joy
In the end, what was all of this?
To be here, walk around, leave
A transient memory with an enduring carbon footprint

A common fear gnashing in poisoned minds
Knowledge is power, knowledge is terror
Is it truth on which I dwell
Or is it fable?

ORIGINAL
Lessons learned are loyal ghosts
Childhood teachings chilling my marrow
There is a choice: to live or die
It haunts me all the time

When my body's had enough
And I'm vomited from that temple
In which I spent a lifetime of sacrilege
What beast will lie in that infinite terror?

I find no comfort in the notion of heaven
Nor do I throw myself into the open arms of hell
Neither holds any appeal:
A holy being, flesh forever burning
A clockwork orange with a shining halo
An earnest ending for a sinful beggar

If I could truly believe
What I've been incanting so many sleepless nights:
That it all simply went dark
Would my eyelids close easily with peace?

I work an entire lifetime, experience sorrow and joy
In the end, what was all of this?
I was here, I walked around, I left
A transient memory with an enduring carbon footprint

A common contemplation, yes
A common fear gnashing in poisoned minds
Knowledge is power, knowledge is terror
Do I know truth
Or do I dwell on fable?

[milo]

of course, this is novice, and first I wish to commend you for writing this and posting. You could benefit from some selective trimming, I think:

Lessons learned are loyal ghosts
Childhood teachings chilling my marrow
There is a choice: to live or die
It haunts me all the time

When my body's had enough
And I'm vomited from that temple
In which I spent a lifetime of sacrilege
What beast will lie in that infinite terror?

I find no comfort in the notion of heaven
Nor do I throw myself into the open arms of hell
Neither holds any appeal:
A holy being, flesh forever burning
A clockwork orange with a shining halo
An earnest ending for a sinful beggar

If I could truly believe
What I've been incanting so many sleepless nights:
That it all simply went dark
Would my eyelids close easily with peace?

I work an entire lifetime, experience sorrow and joy
In the end, what was all of this?
I was here, I walked around, I left
A transient memory with an enduring carbon footprint

A common contemplation, yes
A common fear gnashing in poisoned minds
Knowledge is power, knowledge is terror
Do I know truth
Or do I dwell on fable?

Lessons are ghosts
as Childhood teachings the chill marrow
There is a choice: to live or die
It haunts me

When my body's had enough
And I am vomited from that temple
In which I spent a lifetime
What beast will lie in terror?

I don't find comfort in this heaven
or this hell


A clockwork orange with a shining halo


If I believe
What I've been incanting so many nights:

Would my eyelids close with peace?

I work a lifetime,

I was here,
A transient memory

A contemplation,
A fear gnashing in minds

Do I know truth
Or do I dwell on fable?


I would start my revisions there.

milo


Clockwork Orange

A clockwork orange with a shining halo,
do I know truth or do I dwell on fable?
I press my eyelids 'til I see the day-glow:
A clockwork orange with a shining halo.
These gnashing minds, their childhood teachings fail, so
this poisoned temple's vomit on the table.
A clockwork orange with a shining halo,
do I know truth or do I dwell on fable?
.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

firstly, the title is great! if i saw it in an anthology I would go straight to it. Unfortunately, from the line 'to live or die' I was unable to not read Hamlet all over it. But, that is no big thing; I mean, saying 'hey, your poem reminds me a bit of Shakespeare [no less!]', must surely be an ego boost if nothing else

secondly, I must say that there is really something here. But i would suggest you are far too happy with your own ideas, or you don't trust the reader, which is to the detriment of the 'poetry'. Certain phrases are very interesting, but the language needs to be 'boned'. 'Lessons learned are loyal ghosts', very interesting line, but then 'there is a choice: to live or die / it haunts me all the time' jolts the flow. and this appears throughout; moments of creativity coupled with prosaic self-reflection.

try to trim it a bit, look for the poetry [of which there is plenty]. remove the 'I's and see how it looks then.

[allykat727]

I really enjoyed reading this piece. There are some very chilling turns of words that are innovative and creative. "Childhood teachings chilling my marrow" immediately roped me in. I also liked the alliteration in this line. I do agree with the two other critiques about trimming a bit and liked Milo's suggestions. Also, I think this piece could stand out more if the "I"s were removed, as shemthepenman said. Very good work!