04-11-2013, 04:56 AM
It's very difficult to read this poem because of the constant inversions of syntax (yoda-speak) that you are using to force the rhymes. (eg. "I often am by sadness overtaken", "The sky once blue is with blood now red") This makes your couplets seem trite and a bit silly. I am sure, from the content of the poem, that this is far from your intent.
Though it's clear that your sentiments are heartfelt, this poem doesn't give us anything that makes your ideas unique. Even the oldest subjects can be looked at from a new perspective or given a bit of a twist using some interesting, specific imagery instead of all these generalisations.
It's not beyond hope though
With a bit of work, you can take what you have written and turn it into something that is uniquely you. There are some exercises in the Poetry Practice forum that will help you to do this. You might find it better to write in free verse (poetry without set rhymes/ structure) but if you do, be aware that free verse relies even more heavily on interesting images and other poetic techniques.
Though it's clear that your sentiments are heartfelt, this poem doesn't give us anything that makes your ideas unique. Even the oldest subjects can be looked at from a new perspective or given a bit of a twist using some interesting, specific imagery instead of all these generalisations.
It's not beyond hope though
With a bit of work, you can take what you have written and turn it into something that is uniquely you. There are some exercises in the Poetry Practice forum that will help you to do this. You might find it better to write in free verse (poetry without set rhymes/ structure) but if you do, be aware that free verse relies even more heavily on interesting images and other poetic techniques.
It could be worse