04-07-2013, 08:15 AM
Hi Kurtzzz16. The problem for me is that there’s not really anything specific here. Just abstract connections between dreams and letters, words, lines, and the ocean. Yes, I do get what you’re saying (I think… dreams are the things in the background that brighten everything up, yes?). I also like the connection between an unbroken line on a page and a wave marching rank and file through the ocean, good image. But with a topic as broad as dreams, the best thing to do is to hide away the (ostensibly inevitable) abstractions as best you can.
Also, I’d stay away from first person (not as a rule, but I think it would’ve been better here). And if you want to keep the end rhymes, maybe add some spacing (and don't have three of the same ones back to back...spoken, broken, ocean).
All that being said, I completely and utterly sympathize with the last two lines. So don’t take my words too seriously, I’d wait for someone more experienced to comment. Thanks for the read
Gary
Also, I’d stay away from first person (not as a rule, but I think it would’ve been better here). And if you want to keep the end rhymes, maybe add some spacing (and don't have three of the same ones back to back...spoken, broken, ocean).
All that being said, I completely and utterly sympathize with the last two lines. So don’t take my words too seriously, I’d wait for someone more experienced to comment. Thanks for the read
Gary