Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Any and all suggestions welcome!
spinning in my periphery
mirrors shine their light
on disorderly dendrites.
Hiding in my hemisphere
behind my memories,
a shy creature.
Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night.
Do not join me in my mania,
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
Love. You know quite well, I can't comment om your poetry. I am partial.
I love this:
"Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night.
Do not join me in my mania,
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain"
sigh!
and this here I know so very well:
"I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter."
It's you.
I love you.
And this is here is for shrinks:
"She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain"
I can't stay formal.
Holding you would serve us more (, than making cute remarks).
Kiss
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-28-2013, 01:56 AM)serge gurkski Wrote: Love. You know quite well, I can't comment om your poetry. I am partial.
I love this:
"Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night.
Do not join me in my mania,
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain"
sigh!
and this here I know so very well:
"I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter."
It's you.
I love you.
And this is here is for shrinks:
"She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain"
I can't stay formal.
Holding you would serve us more (, than making cute remarks).
Kiss Thank you for reading and commenting on this.
hugs
Posts: 497
Threads: 83
Joined: Dec 2012
never loikd gardeenias anyways. they look like they sound, doncha think?
Kisses (ignore the Billyman ,-) )
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
wow, beautiful imagery for this subject, so unexpected and lovely.
a few things:
the first stanza made no sense to me until I looked up "dendrites," so that seems to be a weak point.
the "you" seemed to come out of nowhere (for me).
I read the "shy creature" as the mirrors for the first few reads, which didn't work too well.
one last thing: not a fan of the title. it made sense afterwards but set the tone all wrong for me.
anyway just trying to help you out with story continuity, because the rest is magic. =]
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(03-28-2013, 12:14 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Any and all suggestions welcome!
spinning in my periphery
mirrors shine their
light on tangled dendrites.
Hiding in my hemispheres
behind my memories,
a shy creature.
Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night.
Do not join me in my mania,
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.
I love a lot of this.
"Gifting me with sadness and gardenias" this especially.
The abstraction is a bit much at times.
Maybe replace "darkness falls"
As a whole though, it all seems to work quite nicely, a well spun web if you will.
milo
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi Cloudy and Milo, thanks so much for reading,r your opinions on this and the very helpful suggestions. Considering all very seriously.
Heart
Posts: 378
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
I would keep dendrites, hell you did more than just give us a pretty poem, people are looking up words and improving their vocabulary!
The only problem for me is there all this talk of dark and light but I can't actually SEE the dark and light. What's dark, what's light? What do they look like? Give me a night and day. Is the light yellow and the dark blue? I wanna know, please tell me in the poem.
Posts: 70
Threads: 17
Joined: Jan 2013
Hello Heartafire. I liked this poem quite a lot. Some minor thoughts/nits…
S1- I like reading “light” to end the line before, maybe just me. Are dendrites tangled? I suppose they interweave a lot, but tangled sounds disorderly, which they presumably aren’t. Maybe hemisphere singular, to narrow it down to one of them where this creature/tumor/id lives?
Can’t really see anything else otherwise! Really good, I like the sonics in the last stanza
Gary
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi trueenigma and PoetryAndPhysics, thank you for reading and your helpful comments. True, I will see what can be done to add more image to this piece, darkness of course is a metaphor for sadness or melancholy. Thank you for the pointers. PoetryAndPhysics, I will lift "light" up to the line above, I feel you are right regarding that. Thank you both for the kind words and I will take your advice under consideration, Poetry, I believe dendrites can become tangled , I think disorderly seems even more likely.
my best
Heart
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-28-2013, 12:14 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Any and all suggestions welcome!Punctuate
spinning in my periphery
mirrors shine their light
on disorderly dendrites. You know, I don't really give a toss about whether we use capitals to start sentences, or sheepishly capitalise each new line...but I cannot understand how random "sometimes yes/sometimes no" can add ANYTHING to an otherwise well-written piece. So please stop it
Hiding in my hemisphere
behind my memories,
a shy creature. Not a sentence. Deliberate.....yeh,yeh.
Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias Nice. Almost makes up for the lack of sensitive rhythm which would be more manifest with longer lines. Too choppy. No need for it. Deliberate....yeh,yeh
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night. Something inconsistent here. Sight to sound too soon
Do not join me in my mania, Drop the "my". See end
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.Struggling (you and I, methinks) with "matter". "Tread lightly on me?"
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(04-09-2013, 07:37 PM)tectak Wrote: (03-28-2013, 12:14 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Any and all suggestions welcome!Punctuate
spinning in my periphery
mirrors shine their light
on disorderly dendrites. You know, I don't really give a toss about whether we use capitals to start sentences, or sheepishly capitalise each new line...but I cannot understand how random "sometimes yes/sometimes no" can add ANYTHING to an otherwise well-written piece. So please stop it
Hiding in my hemisphere
behind my memories,
a shy creature. Not a sentence. Deliberate.....yeh,yeh.
Though you repel me
I can not resist your call.
Gifting me with sadness and gardenias Nice. Almost makes up for the lack of sensitive rhythm which would be more manifest with longer lines. Too choppy. No need for it. Deliberate....yeh,yeh
you steal my light.
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night. Something inconsistent here. Sight to sound too soon
Do not join me in my mania, Drop the "my". See end
I will need you when the darkness falls.
Weave your web gently,
tread lightly on my matter.Struggling (you and I, methinks) with "matter". "Tread lightly on me?"
Dear Tek, thank you for having a go at this. I was very sloppy with my first stanza. I don't know how that got away from me, I am very random in my use of proper punctuation and have made a mental note to be more observant. As I mentioned previously I am working on my choppy style and will someday write a glorious "fattie" that would make Serge proud.
I want that so much! I say tread lightly on my "matter" because I am referring to my brain matter. I totally agree with you here:
Moving in obscurity,
taking shape, stretching neurons.
I hear you in the night. [b] Something inconsistent here. Sight to sound too soon[/b]and will work to set this straight, it is unacceptable as is.
Thank you my friend, you help me more than you know and I appreciate your time and thoughts.
My best
Heart
|
