The Perpetual Plight of Being

[elizabethvisser]

forward moving - backward thinking
young minds burdened
thoughts? imprisoned.
fate: sealed.

flying, flying!
falling?

fallen.

but time passes,

runs out -
and the
stars that burn the
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.

- the odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight

and so
eventually, or is it suddenly?
the heart once
determined, demanding...
is bruised, broken, bare -

and yet

you’re still searching,
but
plunging further into
darkness,
searching, searching
sinking

sunk,

throat burning
of words
unsaid,
adventure
ignored,
seconds
neglected -
- and then?

relief.

alas,

moments, memories,
me,
gone.

[rowens]

This poem almost makes it. I don't have much to say about it. Its theme works, its form fleeting and flighty enough. Maybe it could be revised some more in places, I don't know. There are lots of poems lamenting problems that don't offer any solutions. The plight is fine, but is there anything more to it? Why are thoughts imprisoned and fates sealed? They just are?

[milo]

forward moving - backward thinking
young minds burdened
thoughts? imprisoned.

I can't see any reason for the haphazard line breaks, the lack of any discernible grammar, or the punctuation. You have squeezed more cliches in a few short lines than I would have thought possible. (sealed fate, backward thinking, burdened thoughts)

fate: sealed.

flying, flying! There is no discernible narrator or voice here
falling?

fallen.

but time passes, cliche

runs out - cliche
and the
stars that burn the cliche, trite and twee
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.

- the odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight cliche

and so
eventually, or is it suddenly? the reader cannot answer this quandry
the heart once
determined, demanding...
is bruised, broken, bare - cliche, cliche, cliche

and yet

you’re still searching,
but
plunging further into cliche
darkness,
searching, searching
sinking

sunk,

throat burning
of words
unsaid,
adventure
ignored,
seconds
neglected -
- and then?

relief.

alas,

moments, memories,
me,
gone.

There are so many cliches in this string of unintelligible, grammar-less, randomly line-broken words it comes across not as poetry but as chopped up thoughts that might "sound" poetic but instead come across as hopelessly abstract.

Sorry I don't have much positive to say, this might be better suited to the "novice" or "mild" critical forums.

cheers

milo

[elizabethvisser]

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate the comments - and will re-evaluate.

(Milo) I'd like to explain that the lack of grammar and the use of punctuation all contribute to the flow of the piece as it is in my mind, and the "abstract" form is for a swift, fleeting read.

A number of the cliches you pointed out are necessary in my opinion - after all, something wouldn't become cliche if it wasn't of any relevance at some point in time. The quandary* of "eventually, or is it suddenly?" refers to a the issue seeming to just happen, but to have been present subconsciously for a long time, so it's not so much a question to the reader as it is to the speaker itself.

Then lastly, I put the poem in the forum for serious critique for this specific reason. Comments of your nature are what I needed, and I don't think I would've gotten them in the mild/novice forums.

Thanks again.

[Todd]

Hi, I read your comment on cliches. The problem is they have no value now. At one time, cliches were original and fresh. They are dead now. The trick is to write fresh, original phrasing that may one day become cliche.

You have a nice title. The poem though doesn't really build on the title. In addition to the previous comments you've received, I'd add that there are moments your syntax makes the line seem affected and a bit overwrought (i.e., deemed but a futile plight). Also, line breaks on words like the come across erratic and choppy. The biggest issue I have though is the content just doesn't say much. It's a letdown from an interesting title.

Just thoughts,

Todd

forward moving - backward thinking
young minds burdened
thoughts? imprisoned.
fate: sealed.

flying, flying!
falling?

fallen.

but time passes,

runs out -
and the
stars that burn the
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.

- the odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight

and so
eventually, or is it suddenly?
the heart once
determined, demanding...
is bruised, broken, bare -

and yet

you’re still searching,
but
plunging further into
darkness,
searching, searching
sinking

sunk,

throat burning
of words
unsaid,
adventure
ignored,
seconds
neglected -
- and then?

relief.

alas,

moments, memories,
me,
gone.

[elizabethvisser]

I hear you, and understand. Sorry for the let down!

I'd like to ask though, which specific parts of the poem you'd say have problems with the syntax, and in which cases the line breaking has negative effects - I'd like to look at fixing it!
Thanks x

[rowens]

The syntax, line break stuff gives the jumpy, fragmented effect you're going for. But the words simply tell a story that's been told everyday for years in the same words almost exactly. It would be better if you added more, that could only come from you. As it is, thousands of people could have and have made poems just like this.

[tectak]

forward moving - backward thinking
young minds burdened
thoughts? imprisoned.
fate: sealed.

flying, flying!
falling?

fallen.

but time passes,

runs out -
and the
stars that burn the
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.

- the odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight

and so
eventually, or is it suddenly?
the heart once
determined, demanding...
is bruised, broken, bare -

and yet

you’re still searching,
but
plunging further into
darkness,
searching, searching
sinking

sunk,

throat burning
of words
unsaid,
adventure
ignored,
seconds
neglected -
- and then?

relief.

alas
moments, memories,
me,
gone.

Hi elizabeth,
I am not going to be of any comfort on this one. I agree with all of the constructively negative comments and come late to this party. By writing form-poetry you can end up with a risk-list..and you have. It is tedious to hear posters on serious arguing deliberate cliche, intentional flaky form, designer dumb and "going for that effect" when really it is all just sloppy work. To get away with synaptic verse ( straight to print without cerebral processing) you have to be very sure that you think good thoughts or you are on mind expanding drugs...though the results are liable to be predictably the same old same old.
Could I suggest that you write this whole effort out as paragraph text, punctuate it, then READ it out loud into a recording device. Do not play it back until you are sure you can bare it...then wait another year before switching it on to play. Still want to post it?( I do this....I have never reposted any piece after this procedure!)
Best,
tectak