04-02-2013, 06:01 PM
i'm with serge, if you want to say fuck, don't say f*ck
i enjoyed it, it doesn't feel forced, wonder if a couple of small words could go, and in the third stanza, i read leanne's feedback as well and concur that getting rid of some ing words will help.
mainly nits, in general you have a solid poem that creates an good image of being alone in the car. L4 is excellent in relation to the poem, it's like a bit of james dean when mums not looking
the last stanza feels out of tune with the rest of the poem.
thanks for the read.
i enjoyed it, it doesn't feel forced, wonder if a couple of small words could go, and in the third stanza, i read leanne's feedback as well and concur that getting rid of some ing words will help.
mainly nits, in general you have a solid poem that creates an good image of being alone in the car. L4 is excellent in relation to the poem, it's like a bit of james dean when mums not looking
the last stanza feels out of tune with the rest of the poem.
thanks for the read.
(04-02-2013, 03:51 PM)sedmbloom Wrote: Concrete over everything
Let's cruise
No one in the passenger seat
So I smoke all I want
Heart beating
Engine roaring
Nothing stopping me but the traffic
And there's always traffic
Life can't be that easy
So we wait in line
Patiently
Or get mistaken for crazy
Let's not go there
F*ck around and end up in the middle of nowhere
Only for the crazy ones
If you're not there already
You're not one
**Forgot to mention--Truly appreciate your time and feedback in advance!**