03-23-2013, 05:41 AM
I like intertext (but mostly hate Eliot, go figure!). You've blended ideas together quite well to create an overall mood of defiant individuality that still identifies itself against cultural markers. I would probably be tempted to re-title as I'm not a fan of titles and first lines matching up -- and I do like the first line. The biggest problem is wordiness. For example, "My mouth can stretch into a grimace, my cheeks can ache" could easily be condensed to "My mouth can stretch into a grimace and my cheeks ache", as the "can" is implied by saying it only once in the line.
Lungs gasp, scratchy throats should rasp I think.
I think the moon rivers line is a quote too far. It seems very laboured. Similarly the Green Gables line. The last three lines are very good though, they should definitely stay (damn that Macavity!)
It could be worse