I'm told

[NakedBear]

revision:

Dated the 25th of December

I’ve never lived alone,
I’m told it’s lonely:
cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
these I know.
Luckily, though,
I’ve never lived alone.


Original:

I’ve never lived alone,
I’m told it’s lonely:
with cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Real lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
these I know.
Luckily, though,
I’ve never lived alone.

I don't think much of the name, sorry.

Mikey.

[Leanne]

This is a really emotive little poem that has a lot going for it. The bookends are great, as are the varied line lengths. I also like the simplicity of the second line in conjunction with the first -- it seems an obvious statement, but to me that's what makes it more poignant. I would be tempted to cut a couple of words, like "with" in L3 and maybe even "real" in L6.

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed this.

As for a title, I was thinking maybe an address might work as something a bit different -- along the lines of 42 Winter Street or something, so that you get a feeling of an empty house as well.

[Wjames]

I’ve never lived alone,
I’m told it’s lonely:
with cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Real lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
these I know.
Luckily, though,
I’ve never lived alone.

I don't think much of the name, sorry.

Mikey.

I like the simplicity of the poem combined with great rhythm, cool word play, and real emotion. I agree it might flow better without some words like "with", but that's the only critique I can offer you. Thanks for the read .

[NakedBear]

I like the simplicity of the poem combined with great rhythm, cool word play, and real emotion. I agree it might flow better without some words like "with", but that's the only critique I can offer you. Thanks for the read .

Thank you very much for your review. I'm pleased you've enjoyed it, and I agree that 'with' is best removed.

Thanks.

Mikey.

---

I really like that. Very nice =]

I'm very glad you liked it! Thanks.

Mikey.

---

This is a really emotive little poem that has a lot going for it. The bookends are great, as are the varied line lengths. I also like the simplicity of the second line in conjunction with the first -- it seems an obvious statement, but to me that's what makes it more poignant. I would be tempted to cut a couple of words, like "with" in L3 and maybe even "real" in L6.

Thanks for posting, I enjoyed this.

As for a title, I was thinking maybe an address might work as something a bit different -- along the lines of 42 Winter Street or something, so that you get a feeling of an empty house as well.

Again, thank you very much for taking the time to critique my work.

After some thought, I've decided to remove 'real' from before 'lonely'. It was blunting the impact of 'lonely'. I've also removed 'with', which I had added in the belief that it was grammatically necessary.

The hardest part was finding a title. Your suggestion sent me on a bit of a journey. First, address of a home. Then maybe a letter addressed to a family member, like 'To mother's favoured son'. But finally I decided this was a diary entry for a lonely man and his musings. And so the title is:

Dated the 25th of December

I’ve never lived alone,
I’m told it’s lonely:
cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
these I know.
Luckily, though,
I’ve never lived alone.

Do you think that works alright?

Thanks again.

Mikey.

[Leanne]

It does indeed

The title is a good one, it adds extra dimension to the loneliness-that-isn't-but-really-is.

[Keith]

Hi Mikey
The tidy edit is a good one as is the title, I havent seen a poem like this before and I find it very interesting, your choice of subject goes a long way in making this work and the bleak nature of your observations really puts over a challenging image, well done and thanks for the read. TOMH

[NakedBear]

I'm pleased you approve of the title, Leanne!

And thank you, TOMH, for the positive response to a dower poem! Haha. I should try to produce a few more on a happy note.

Thanks, both.

Mikey.

[Mattie]

I’ve never lived alone,
I’m told it’s lonely:
with cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Real lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,
these I know.
Luckily, though,
I’ve never lived alone.

I don't think much of the name, sorry.

Mikey.

I find a sadness in this poem,as if the writer is looking through
a window that is really a mirror.

[justcloudy]

hi Mikey

actually I liked "real lonely" better... felt more conversational in a Steinback's Grapes of Wrath type of way. one way or another, congrats on a beautifully written poem.

[softlyfalling]

This is definitely modern...conversational, mundane theme, a kind of abstract realism akin to television reality shows. The real challenge in this is to keep the poem warm and breathing, and not like an impersonal script for emotions held at bay.
In my own heart, I find is less than lyrical...the use of contractions, the lack of proper punctuation, brevity, colloquialism. But, i am a die-hard romantic, a traditionalist, and my heart is an emotional but classical sea of traditional themes....almost like a pre-raphaelite painting, were someone to paint my philosophy of poetry, even life itself.
But, I accept that these customs are de rigueur and acquiesce with courtesy. That being said, I do appreciate the contempation of loneliness as theme. The butterfly/mirror effect is good but I would offset these lines to accentuate the effect, and to emphasize the emotional content within the words (which is rather lost as it is)
I offer, with all due respect, a few suggestions.

I've never lived alone,
they say it’s lonely:

cold sheets,
silent meals,
restive hearts confined by space.
Lonely.
Restive space confined by heart,
silent meals,
cold sheets,

(omit this line "these I know" ..it is antithetical to your premise of lack of experience of the condition of aloneness)
Luckily,
I’ve never lived alone.

[NakedBear]

hi Mikey

actually I liked "real lonely" better... felt more conversational in a Steinback's Grapes of Wrath type of way. one way or another, congrats on a beautifully written poem.

I agree that 'real' had a good conversational tone to it that I like. But it seems the word 'lonely' gains something from being alone on the line (the significance of which is imparted by the theme? I'm talking out my butt, maybe. ).

Also, did you change your nick? Weren't you goldfishy, or something like that (I've only been here a short time)?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Mikey.

---

Hi softlyfalling,

Thanks for the feedback. I agree that this poem concerns non-romantic and mundane things, and so lacks the charm of romance and otherness that I also love to read. But it is what it is.

I wrote this after staring into the dark for much too long, when really I should be have been sleeping. That is to say: to remove 'these I know' would be to undo my intent altogether.

Mikey.

[softlyfalling]

I understand your focus much better, thank you Mikey.
I wonder what it would be like if our intent, our personal focus and emotions, our very thoughts, could really be expressed in words, in a poem? There would be no misunderstood lines or images or narrative or meaning but...would there BE any relevancy? Would we only have the poetic equivalent of an x-ray?

[Carile]

@softlyfalling
It seems that language itself would be pointless. Culioli once stated that "comprehension [was] but a particular case of misunderstanding". Poetry is all about playing with a language's limits within a given era of its evolution, in my humble opinion.

[justcloudy]

haha Mikey, yea I did just change it. long story why. ;p

Carile, I like your thoughts. ^____^

[wannawrite1]

like the title

[Rodthegod]

I really enjoyed your poem I connected very strongly with it.

[mariamuse]

What about making a small evocative change to diversify and not repeat - the second time, say "silent sheets/cold meals". Now that's lonely, isn't it.

Just a suggestion. I really love the poem, and I think it captures loneliness.

[AnnaLisa198111111]

I like it

[Leanne]

I like it

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