Cages--Rewrite

[milo]

I went the wrong direction with this poem. Hopefully I am back on track.

Cages

My parents used to live by the zoo;
at dawn, they would awake to lions.

"awaken"
you could trim "used to"

you could strip the passive voice like so:

My parents lived by the zoo.
Lions woke them at dawn.

In the twilight they would enter—

there is a sudden unexplained temporal shift here.

through the exit.
They stole moments alone with the tangible silence, which

stolen moments is cliche. tangible silence is a "poetic construction" which you never bother validating with anything truly tangible.


humans will not allow to last for long,

the phrase "which humans will not allow to last for long" is very inefficient.

but animals can indefinitely rest in.

odd inversion here.
animals can rest in indefinitely


My parents used to live by the zoo;
at night, they would awake to screams:
another drive-by.

Another loss.

Those people had gotten out too late.

Technically they never got out, right?

My parents wouldn't.

"didn't"


My parents live by the interstate.
Every summer, the house must be bleached:
too much soot.
There is no silence here:
there are cars and trains
and remorse so loud one can hardly sleep.

"remorse so loud"

I like the feel of this, the ideas, the thread. Maybe work on some of the phrasing.

Thanks for sharing.