02-19-2013, 12:23 AM
Hi Fatal~Biscuit,
Welcome to the site!
I think this is pretty good for a first poem in that it flows pretty well, doesn't try to be overly poetic, and has an interesting semi-riddle quality to it. I also liked your use of properly on the shaking hands line, and normally in the conversation line. If anything you could enhance the mystery more until the very end. Make it seem like this other you could be a detective of sorts or a stalker. Be subtle for as long as possible.
With the car for instance. By seeing him in the rear view mirror. It could imply that you're being followed. Maybe play around with those sorts of ideas.
That's really all I've got. This comes across to me as an early draft that you could develop more.
I hope that's helpful.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the site!
I think this is pretty good for a first poem in that it flows pretty well, doesn't try to be overly poetic, and has an interesting semi-riddle quality to it. I also liked your use of properly on the shaking hands line, and normally in the conversation line. If anything you could enhance the mystery more until the very end. Make it seem like this other you could be a detective of sorts or a stalker. Be subtle for as long as possible.
With the car for instance. By seeing him in the rear view mirror. It could imply that you're being followed. Maybe play around with those sorts of ideas.
That's really all I've got. This comes across to me as an early draft that you could develop more.
I hope that's helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson