My very first poem \(^0^)/

[Ethereal]

I am completely new to poetry, and know next to nothing about it. I am looking for any advice and critique, as long as it's useful and nice. I would also like to know what type of poem I would count this as. Anyway, I look forward to potential responses. ^^



I wait in my cell for my guard to arrive
And untie my lips with old rusted knives.
With my mouth agape and eyes like the ocean,
I can't help but feel engulfed by emotion.

I notice a key on the tip of my tongue,
Hidden away from when I was young.
Consumed long ago in a daze of fear,
I locked it inside so no one could hear

The thoughts in my mind
Buried so deep
For no one to find,
And leave me to weep.

Could now be the time
To open the hole
And let my "no one"
Peer into my soul?

I swallow the key,
Return to my cell,
And relive my crime
With no one to tell.

[shemthepenman]

The first two lines are great (although, you may want to consider other options for the possessive adjective ‘my’… ‘my cell… my guard… my lips’ etc. repetition can be really good but not here)



‘eyes like the ocean’ could seem a little cliché. (note, I love this cliché so it didn’t bother me anyhow)

Oh my, S2 is wonderful, simply wonderful.

The rest of the poem has some good concepts (but watch out for clichés) and obviously ties them up, but I would suggest, why not trying couplets, just for a start.

[Ethereal]

The first two lines are great (although, you may want to consider other options for the possessive adjective ‘my’… ‘my cell… my guard… my lips’ etc. repetition can be really good but not here)



‘eyes like the ocean’ could seem a little cliché. (note, I love this cliché so it didn’t bother me anyhow)

Oh my, S2 is wonderful, simply wonderful.

The rest of the poem has some good concepts (but watch out for clichés) and obviously ties them up, but I would suggest, why not trying couplets, just for a start.

Thank you so much for the help. \(^0^)/
This might seem a little silly to ask, but I am not sure what you mean by "couplets" and "S2". Could you explain what these things are?

[shemthepenman]

aha... damn, i thought this was in a different forum. sorry, my mistake.

ok, by S2 i meant the second stanza, it is just a unit of poetry separated by a space, so the second stanza here begins 'i noticed a key...' and ends '...no one could hear' (i really liked these lines

and couplets are put simply lines that rhyme one after another. so consider:

I wait in my cell for my guard to arrive
And untie my lips with old rusted knives.

With my mouth agape and eyes like the ocean,
I can't help but feel engulfed by emotion.

I notice a key on the tip of my tongue,
Hidden away from when I was young.

Consumed long ago in a daze of fear,
I locked it inside so no one could hear

The thoughts in my mind Buried so deep
For no one to find, And leave me to weep.

Could now be the time To open the hole
And let my "no one" Peer into my soul?

I swallow the key, Return to my cell,
And relive my crime With no one to tell.


but this is only a starter. the line breaks in such as I have suggested do not really work so well, but you can play around with it, maybe blocks of fours, like:

I wait in my cell for my guard to arrive
And untie my lips with old rusted knives.
With my mouth agape and eyes like the ocean,
I can't help but feel engulfed by emotion.

I notice a key on the tip of my tongue,
Hidden away from when I was young.
Consumed long ago in a daze of fear,
I locked it inside so no one could hear

The thoughts in my mind Buried so deep
For no one to find, And leave me to weep.
Could now be the time To open the hole
And let my "no one" Peer into my soul?

I swallow the key, Return to my cell,
And relive my crime With no one to tell.

[the final couplet hangs out quite nicely here]

[hobbit86]

This is really good first poem.

The rhyme and rhythm in stanza 2 just seems absolutely spot on, and I just LOVE the imagery of a key on the tongue to unlock the voice inside.

Can real feel the sense of trapment in oneself, of secrets unheard.

Really good poem. I'm still novice myself, so not much to say, but I think perhaps the first stanza needs a little bit of touching up with the rhyme, not sure if the first 2 lines rhyme is forced?

Really good poem. thanks for sharing

[Ethereal]

aha... damn, i thought this was in a different forum. sorry, my mistake.

ok, by S2 i meant the second stanza, it is just a unit of poetry separated by a space, so the second stanza here begins 'i noticed a key...' and ends '...no one could hear' (i really liked these lines

and couplets are put simply lines that rhyme one after another. so consider:

I wait in my cell for my guard to arrive
And untie my lips with old rusted knives.

With my mouth agape and eyes like the ocean,
I can't help but feel engulfed by emotion.

I notice a key on the tip of my tongue,
Hidden away from when I was young.

Consumed long ago in a daze of fear,
I locked it inside so no one could hear

The thoughts in my mind Buried so deep
For no one to find, And leave me to weep.

Could now be the time To open the hole
And let my "no one" Peer into my soul?

I swallow the key, Return to my cell,
And relive my crime With no one to tell.


but this is only a starter. the line breaks in such as I have suggested do not really work so well, but you can play around with it, maybe blocks of fours, like:

I wait in my cell for my guard to arrive
And untie my lips with old rusted knives.
With my mouth agape and eyes like the ocean,
I can't help but feel engulfed by emotion.

I notice a key on the tip of my tongue,
Hidden away from when I was young.
Consumed long ago in a daze of fear,
I locked it inside so no one could hear

The thoughts in my mind Buried so deep
For no one to find, And leave me to weep.
Could now be the time To open the hole
And let my "no one" Peer into my soul?

I swallow the key, Return to my cell,
And relive my crime With no one to tell.

[the final couplet hangs out quite nicely here]

What forum did you think it was in?

Ohhh. =D Thank you. ^^ For the compliment, and your help.

I will try and think more about couplets and things. Thank you so much \(^0^)/

---

This is really good first poem.

The rhyme and rhythm in stanza 2 just seems absolutely spot on, and I just LOVE the imagery of a key on the tongue to unlock the voice inside.

Can real feel the sense of trapment in oneself, of secrets unheard.

Really good poem. I'm still novice myself, so not much to say, but I think perhaps the first stanza needs a little bit of touching up with the rhyme, not sure if the first 2 lines rhyme is forced?

Really good poem. thanks for sharing

Thank you. ^0^
I think you're right about S1 (Yay! I'm using poetry lingo! xD)
The first two lines were completely unedited from the time I wrote it until now, while a lot of the poem was edited when I noticed the errors that I could see.
Thanks for pointing that out though. =D