Boxes

[jormungandr]

These boxes of lime
And mortar once were
Within larger boxes.

Boxes of red, of gray
Now deformed, buckled
Beneath bone and skin.

Boxes without shape
Are merely squares from
Which boxes are formed again.
-------
Been tinkering a little with the lines to improve flow.

[brandontoh]

This is quite an abstract poem. The imagery is rather quaint, and the flow of it all is good. I do like it, and don't really have much to say. The only gripe I have is with the first 2 lines. The enjambment does help with the rhythm but doesn't really work well in my opinion. Something like this may work better:

These boxes
Of lime and mortar
Once were within
Larger boxes.

You can pull larger boxes onto the third line if you want to keep the structure. Of course, that's just my personal opinion. Overall it's a nice poem. =) Hope I'm of help, and hope to see more from you!

[jormungandr]

Interesting. I think you're right. The enjambment was partially for structure but now that I look it does create an awkward flow. I'll see what I can do about that

[schmitler]

Thought I'de try and give you some feedback. I fear I may have exposed myself as too much of a newbie from my first thread, so I feel rather fraudulent right now! I agree with the above statement that it comes across as rather abstract, however thats what I loved about it. For me poetry (or art of any kind) should spark the imagination and make you think, and for me, your poem did both.

[jormungandr]

Thank you schmitler. Personally, I like to leave it to readers to interpret what they want from my poems, although they do hold a certain significance for me. I'm glad that you liked it.

[Michelle311]

I'm sorry I don't have much feedback other than the last stanza is my favorite. I like that even though the boxes have 'no shape' they still have the same purpose. Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, haha. Thanks for the poem