01-24-2013, 12:29 PM
While you've got a good rhythm going, for S1, I suggest not rhyming "you" with "you" 
Additionally, I think that it wouldn't hurt to add a few more stanzas. I feel like you could strengthen this with more description (but try to keep away from cliches!).
In my opinion, a little embellishment would turn this into a really solid piece of work.
Additionally, I think that it wouldn't hurt to add a few more stanzas. I feel like you could strengthen this with more description (but try to keep away from cliches!).
In my opinion, a little embellishment would turn this into a really solid piece of work.